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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 19 2011 : 11:45:30 AM
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Wanted to share what I’ve learned about self-pacing after AYP practice since Feb 2009. I had a significant, but gentle opening during the AYP Mensch Mill retreat over the past few days, and a lot of stuff clicked into place. There’s a nice story and a couple of analogies to relay here.
The anxious student asked the Zen master how long to enlightenment.
The Zen Master answered, a long time, at least 10 years.
The student said, Well I will work twice as hard.
The Zen master said, Then it will take 20 years.
No! said the committed student, I will work three times as hard.
Well then, said the Zen master, It will take 30 years.
After this past year, I’ve started to find that effort towards enlightenment is a bit like one of those Chinese finger traps. You know the ones where you put your two index fingers in, and then you can’t pull them out again. The harder you try and pull your fingers (consciousness) out of the finger trap (maya, delusion) the tighter the trap becomes. It’s not until you relax and cease your desperate activity that you can extricate your fingers from the trap.
I’m not an ‘advait-ass’ who would advocate doing nothing, I’ve just found that for me personally it works to:
-Leave the effort out of doing
-Stop trying to control the pace of spiritual unfolding (i.e. increase the pace), practices help, but ultimately if you make progress it’s an act of grace, the ego had nothing to do with it
-Not to seek fireworks, ecstatic pleasure, or really ‘intense’ experience if it comes great, if not, great – but either way I feel like experiences don’t have much to do with enlightenment, since enlightenment isn’t exactly an experience
-do the practises like brushing your teeth. I don’t particularly want to brush my teeth, and I certainly don’t get overexcited about it. But I just do it anyway, it just happens, I wake up, go my bathroom and start brushing my teeth.
So my personal story to place everything in context. I came across AYP in Feb 2009, and pretty quickly began doing regular practices. The practices became a twice daily part of my life in June/August 2010, but there had definitely been periods of interspersed regular practice in between. I’ve been meditating for about seven years in one form or another, since I was 19. There was considerable inner silence before I came to AYP, a lot of purification had already happened via various methods. Ecstatic pleasure started to arise in summer 2010, as a direct result of SBP and AYP practices.
For my entire life, whilst I’ve always been inclined to joyous highs and high energy levels, but since I was a little child I’ve always been completely unhappy with, depressed, and dissatisfied with life. I’ve never really wanted to be here. I’ve always had this longing that could not be satisfied by anything worldly, a seeming remembrance of something better.
When I found AYP, I knew I’d finally found my life purpose, the reason I came here. Needless to say, when the ecstatic pleasure arose from AYP, I leaped on it. The divine had a tough, but ultimately kind, lesson in store for me. Instead of allowing my intuition (which comes from beyond the ego) to guide me in my pace of practice, I allowed the mind to set the pace. And the mind was really only concerned with one thing: getting more, getting pleasure, getting gratification.
I started to feel pretty disingenuous. I’d come to AYP with the lofty desire for enlightenment. But I was abusing my practices to mainline as much ecstatic pleasure as possible, thrill-seek powerful ‘spiritual experiences’, avoid dealing with painful emotions in normal reality, and my gratification-seeking ego had taken over control of a process that had nothing to do with it. Promptly, the ecstatic pleasure dried up completely, and I was left trying to find a way to get it back, trying different practices (yogi bhajan kundalini yoga) and basically trying to get my source of gratification back. Not really that much different to a drug-addiction.
The divine message I was given flowed into me, and was pretty clear: Do you come to this seeking pleasure? Seeking some form of cheap gratification? Hoping not to have to face your pain? Because you want to escape? Because you’d rather not deal with reality? Do you think enlightenment is something you are going to ‘get’?
The answer in my heart was obvious. Enlightenment is not really about escaping suffering, or avoiding reality. It’s not about gratification. It’s not something ‘you’ can ever ‘get’. By this time, I’d completely overloaded and practices would only yield a barren depression. I stopped, and as I did, a huge, fresh passion for life erupted in me, and I suddenly enjoyed life like never before. I cared nothing for transcendence anymore, and forgot about the spiritual for a while.
I learned to give a little instead of trying to get, and to develop a small but growing ability to extend love to everyone around me unconditionally – strangers in the street, colleagues, family, particularly to extend unconditional love to those people who annoyed me, who were rude to me, who were unkind, who seemed to be crazy or violent (I live in NYC so there are a quite a few). It’s pretty easy, I walk around extending love to every perception in my mind, particularly when one of those perceptions (e.g. someone who is particularly rude/inharmonious) throws up negative reaction conditioning in my body mind. Hopefully I learned a little bit more humility too, and perhaps I’ve been unchained a little from my own narcissism. I learned to look at all the unconscious beliefs and motivations behind my actions.
Now I’m back on practices again. But I approach them with awe and reverence, and am not attached to using them as a way to try and feel good all the time. I don’t jump into them with huge enthusiasm, like a hungry dog eating it’s breakfast, but I go in with hopefully a little restraint and respect. I’ve also learned that my optimum practice time is very short: 2 minutes SBP, 8 minutes DM twice daily. I’m in no rush to unfold, no rush to become enlightened. I’ve realized that it comes at the price of letting go of everything. I’ve also realized I’m not yet ready to let go of everything, but I can take it day by day, and let go a bit at a time. I’m prepared to take long, clear, honest and sometimes painful looks at myself and the causes of suffering and identification and occasionally that clarity allows me to let go another attachment or aversion. So now I come to my practices every day, not expecting anything, not craving results, favoring inner silence and feeling ‘normal’ to flashy energy experiences and emotional highs, but with just a touch of quiet delight or a small smile as I go about my day.
So that was how I was chastened. Knowing my ego, it will probably try and run away with me again, but fortunately the divine is patient. :-)
Also a few related practical notes:
Whenever I'm feeling particularly good, and liking that feeling, as a result of spiritual practices (or anything) I often firstly open my heart to the divine, offer my experience for sharing with them, and say - although I'm afraid to say this, take this good experience away from me if you want, I don't want to be foolishly attached to it. Sounds harsh, but it really helps you getting sucked into attachment to good experiences, which we all know are impermanent.
Also, this may help people of my 'type' but is probably not relevant for everyone, I am:
-extreme emotional sensitivity, sensitive to psychic energy, very strongly affected by the energies of others around me
-tendency to very skinny body type
-extremely oversensitive to meditation
-tendency to be in the clouds, live in imagination, easily become un-grounded
I've found eating meat is just a very useful to remaining grounded. I don't naturally want to eat meat all that much, in fact I love to subsist on green smoothies, vegetable juices, salads and not much else - but I really find meat is so useful to maintaining some balance. I avoid getting loads of calories from carbs like pasta, grains etc and find that personally a very simple diet of LOADS of fresh vegetables combined with some meat (preferably free-range, organic, grass-fed for better omega 3/6/9 ratio, and humanely treated) helps to keep me sane and balanced.
I also do physical activities which pump up my grounded-ness, and have found weight-lifting is particularly helpful as it seems to boost my testosterone levels.
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Edited by - mr_anderson on Sep 19 2011 12:42:05 PM |
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jeff
USA
971 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2011 : 12:20:09 PM
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Thank you for your post. It is one of the wisest things I have read.
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maheswari
Lebanon
2516 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2011 : 12:36:09 PM
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beautiful...thank u
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nearoanoke
USA
525 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2011 : 2:49:10 PM
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Great Post and touching story.
quote:
Originally posted by mr_anderson
-Stop trying to control the pace of spiritual unfolding (i.e. increase the pace), practices help, but ultimately if you make progress it’s an act of grace, the ego had nothing to do with it
Yes, it is all grace. Even with meditation sessions, good ones just happen by themselves. You suddenly go very deep. Not because you added a new practice or did anything special. It just comes to you when it wants to come. As Adyashanti says it is awakening waking up out of us than we getting enlightened. Infact real awakening happens when we completely surrender ourselves (not the mental surrender) and accept our powerlessness. Ofcourse we cannot act or mentally do this surrender. It has to happen.
quote:
Originally posted by mr_anderson
Also a few related practical notes:
Whenever I'm feeling particularly good, and liking that feeling, as a result of spiritual practices (or anything) I often firstly open my heart to the divine, offer my experience for sharing with them, and say - although I'm afraid to say this, take this good experience away from me if you want, I don't want to be foolishly attached to it. Sounds harsh, but it really helps you getting sucked into attachment to good experiences, which we all know are impermanent.
You touched on a good point. Again as per Adyashanti; "True prayer isn't asking god/enlightenment for something we want. It is asking god (and truly accepting) to give whatever we need at this moment to awaken. Infact life shows us exactly what we need to see at that moment to awaken. It is like each moment is a door step to awakening"
- Near |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2011 : 4:28:42 PM
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thanks Near. I love the adyashanti quote about true prayer. It's totally true, whenever I'm suffering because I wanted something I didn't get, I'm always seeking to awaken from identification with want/awaken from attachment, instead of God to just adjust reality to everything is as I want.
thanks Jeff / Maheswari. |
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Parallax
USA
348 Posts |
Posted - Sep 19 2011 : 4:54:31 PM
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Mr Anderson 
Thank you for sharing this...you are a wise and kind soul. This has a lot of lessons for me, as I had subtly (or not so subtly) started to crave the energy fireworks and pushing ahead. And also had a recent revelation about it not being about the fireworks, but the steady cultivation of Silence...and to allow it to unfold in its own time. And to compassionately accept where I am today, without needing to be anywhere else.
I appreciate your sharing, and it was great to see you this weekend |
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Hussey01
USA
5 Posts |
Posted - Sep 20 2011 : 07:32:23 AM
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Massive,valuable and never seen information is lying in this post,So good for the initial ones and instructions to follow as well.I have book marked the page and will keep in mind the great tips.Thanks.
www.chitownbootcamps.com/73/diet-chicago/ |
Edited by - Hussey01 on Sep 24 2011 01:07:32 AM |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Sep 20 2011 : 08:52:28 AM
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| thanks all, glad it was useful :-) |
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Ananda
3115 Posts |
Posted - Sep 20 2011 : 11:51:00 AM
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innercall
Canada
66 Posts |
Posted - Sep 21 2011 : 9:58:41 PM
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Wow...
I am without words...
It talks to me in a very profound way.
Thanks |
Edited by - innercall on Sep 23 2011 10:39:08 PM |
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WoodDragon
USA
56 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2011 : 1:25:25 PM
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| A wonderful post! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and experiences with us all, that is very loving of you. I also learned a lot about letting go at the PA retreat last weekend and it is still vibrating within me. Learning not to force it, not to "work it out" but to let it go into stillness. I am beginning to understand how much the AYP has saved my life in more ways than one. It was such a joy sharing the weekend with you! |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Sep 22 2011 : 4:40:02 PM
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| and a joy it was to share the weekend with you too. and everyone there. |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2011 : 09:21:42 AM
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mr_anderson
Your post speaks to me directly Thank you for sharing and for your honesty. I had been clamoring to "get there" for sometime now.. Of course that caused more "binding" in the form of expectations and hanging on. A few months ago, I began samyama with the sutras "Thy will be done" and "surrender".. One fine day I realized that the clamoring was gone.. It was actually OK to not be "there"; "here" seemed perfectly fine There was a sweet radiance within, like my insides couldn't stop smiling Suddenly, practices became what you describe - revered, like the guru! The truths I gleaned about myself through the critical "look" could be accepted with a little more love.. I noticed genuine unconditional love for others (even those that I couldnt agree with).. I also noticed that I wasnt ready to let go yet - and yet, it is perfectly OK to not be ready It was OK to be angry or fearful or whatever, despite being *spiritual* The humor of these labels is becoming apparent
The retreat helped open this up further.. I've noticed that although I have not been able to meditate for more than a few minutes since then, the silence seems to expand and deepen anyway Of course, the effects of the retreat will be processed for a while, so we'll see..
Your sharings at the retreat and on the forum stir something deep within me; I learn much from you - thank you!
Much love to you,
kami |
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mr_anderson
USA
734 Posts |
Posted - Sep 25 2011 : 11:45:14 AM
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much love to you too :-)
think i'm going to add surrender to my samyama too at some point! :-) |
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devrim
Thailand
33 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2011 : 03:27:03 AM
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Hello, i have been having some issues with self pacing the last few months and found my way to this post which makes very interesting reading.i would like to share my experiences with self pacing the last few months of my practice.
I have been seriously committed to my yoga practice for the last 12 years or so, and teaching for the last 6 years. this means daily practice most days and since starting with AYP 5 years ago twice daily practice. You could say my Bhati is strong, my highest ideal is truth, which i feel intuitively yoga can help to show the way.
However even with a high amount of devotion for yoga, you could safety say i am in the undersensitive camp. I have never had any unusal experiences, just a gradual improvement of body, mind and spirit over the years. With no signs of overload, i pressed ahead with strong pracitices for many years. then in march of this year, life became really hectic and for the first time since i started yoga all those years ago i stopped teaching and practicing, i couldn't even pick up a yogani book !!!  i had no drive to open the forum ( in fact i just started to open it again yesterday). Days lead to weeks, weeks to months, and with the passing time i became more and more unbalanced. Not in any kind of serious way but with the kind of symtoms people here assoicate with overload, but in this case my problem was not too much practice but too little !!!!
After a few months of no practice i slowly started up again, slowly working my practice back into the daily routine, not as strong as before but going in that direction. How do i feel ? Better !!! as the practice came back so did my balance.
What does this mean ? most people speak here about self pacing as a cutting back on practice, could it be that self pacing for undersensitive practicitioners could mean going harder into practices ? as we all know we all have our individual matrix of obstructions. Or could it be that the sudden stop in practices was the inner slience taking care of self pacing unconsiously?
i would be happy to hear anyones comments.
love to you all my internet yoga friends.
devrim. |
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kami
USA
920 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2011 : 09:21:39 AM
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Hi Devrim,
Thank you for bringing up the issue of under-sensitivity to practices I have to say I'm one of those, although some here who know me well would disagree . I've had the same experience as you - charging ahead with full-force bhakti for months and months with very little in terms of overload or "progress", (at least that *I* could detect).. However, the imbalance I felt when cutting back on practices (for lack of time) was an indication that things *were* happening "under the hood" (as Yogani would say) after all! For me, self-pacing is not always about cutting back, but *judiciously* adding more. I have rarely felt discomfort from practicing too much (except for the time I developed headaches after adding Navi Kriya).
Self-pacing in terms of cutting back seems to happen automatically here. There are times when I just can't get to the whole routine, and invariably it will be right after I've charged ahead with days/weeks of intense practices or when I'm generally irritable (again, not sure if it is from practices or just being irritable ).
Either way, my approach to this whole thing has evolved significantly and continues to evolve on a daily basis. I've lost the urgency to become enlightened or have the experiences others describe here on the forum. There has been a lot of letting go of long-held concepts and beliefs, pain, past stuff, expectations, whatever. The freedom that brings is exhilarating. So, practices *are* working on my matrix obstructions . I do what I can in terms of twice-daily sessions, don't judge it, and let it go also.
Love,
kami |
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devrim
Thailand
33 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2011 : 11:00:24 AM
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hello kami, its good to hear about your expriences. i have always looked at being an under sensitive practitoner as an advantage as (at least in my experience) it allows you to move deep into the practices without any discomfort. But learning to be able to drop and let things go, even the practices is a lesson i am enjoying right now. As my experience deepens with AYP i am discovering the value of Bhati more and more, for if the passion is there wether your practices are zero or hours of the day you will always be moving in the right direction.
devrim. |
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nearoanoke
USA
525 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2011 : 1:42:02 PM
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Kami & devrim,
I can relate very well with your experiences. I fall into the same under-sensitive boat. No visions. No experiences. No tangible signs of progress. AYP is my first spiritual practice and I have been I AMing on and off for the past 6 years equals about 4 years of consistent practice.
Here are a few things I noticed though
Self-Pacing for undersensitive may mean pressing forward more aggressively again with caution and backing off as necessary. I made changes to my regular schedule first by adding a lot of AYP energy practices. Increased SBP from 5 to 10 min, Added sambhavi, mulabandha, Added Yoni Mudra Kumbhaka and in a month Chin Pump, Bastrika and then asanas, navi kriya, nauli etc... In addition to these I've added a silent sitting meditation as an afternoon session. Just sit and do nothing like what we do in retreats. Also recently from the past few weeks, I have been attending a Buddhist center and doing my AYP meditation with a group there. Sometimes I do two meditations in the evenings with the group especially when I dont do silent sitting in the afternoon. I wouldnt recommend all these to everyone. Safety always comes first.
Adding wide range of practices (like energy practices) than doing more of the same practice (more of DM) is more effective. Satsang's and community and reading will help too. Will more hardwork bring us toward the goal faster? As in the Zen student example above, it may not matter at all. But we need to make sure we fill up our cup everyday and do all that is possible.
- Near
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Edited by - nearoanoke on Sep 28 2011 1:44:04 PM |
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my experience with self-pacing
