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CannabisSativa
USA
23 Posts |
 Posted - Dec 16 2010 : 9:48:04 PM
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Maybe I'm doing something wrong but today I felt depressed after meditating, I even worked out to feel better but I still can't feel quite good. I also can't tell if it's from this or because my life is not the way I want it to be and maybe this has nothing to do with what I'm feeling.
My mind goes from periods of silence and then to over-thinking, like if I'm doing something it feels like if I'm not there. I need help I could literally cry right now but I'm holding it so hard. |
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mathurs
United Kingdom
197 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2010 : 05:41:37 AM
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Hi CannabiSativa,
Your whole AYP family is here to support you. You are not on your own.
From my own little experience that I have from a practice perspective ask yourself these questions:
1. are you resting after your meditations( you are practising AYP meditation?)
2. Have you added any new practices?
3. Is there a need for grounding activity - long walks,etc?
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swaha
Lebanon
88 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2010 : 07:19:24 AM
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i don't know if others may call it "purification symptoms" here..
what i feel like telling you is: LET GOOOOO off the tears, please!
sooo many tears and laughter have been suppressed..layers and layers..
blessed are those who can still shed tears..
also what about putting some nice dynamic music, alive music - ex: african drums, or whatever u love - and just allow the body to move the way it feels.. really shaking the whole body with totality..no "control" involved..
once u have exhausted your body, just notice how it feels inside..
physically, mentally, etc.
lovehug |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2010 : 08:51:11 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by CannabisSativa
Maybe I'm doing something wrong but today I felt depressed after meditating, I even worked out to feel better but I still can't feel quite good. I also can't tell if it's from this or because my life is not the way I want it to be and maybe this has nothing to do with what I'm feeling.
My mind goes from periods of silence and then to over-thinking, like if I'm doing something it feels like if I'm not there. I need help I could literally cry right now but I'm holding it so hard.
Hi CannabisSativa,
I am not sure what your practice routine is. Can you tell us a bit more about your practice routine? I apologize, if you have already talked about it somewhere, and I missed it.
I would suggest cutting back on your meditation time and increasing your after practice rest time. You did the right thing by working out. Exercise is a very good way to ground.
Also, since you say
"I also can't tell if it's from this or because my life is not the way I want it to be and maybe this has nothing to do with what I'm feeling."
I would suggest getting the book "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It was a book that helped me see how my thinking patterns kept me depressed. How my need to hold on to my life and resist change caused me more suffering than anything else.
Only yesterday my 16 year daughter told me, "mom, now that I have accepted the fact that things are changing, my friends are changing, my life is changing and it is OK, I feel so much better at school". That reminded me the day I saw this too... well I was not 16 I was 32, but one day I read the lines:
"Since every situation, of its own nature, must keep on changing, it would be foolish to get ourselves upset at every change noticed. It is the attitude of the wise to go through life, both in joy and sorrow, in success and in failure, in pain and in joy, with constant awareness:"Even this will pass away"...(The Holy Geeta-Commentary by Swami Chinmayananda)."
...and realized how I was trying to resist change and hold on to it all with dear life, like driving with my parking brakes on... I could actually let go (slowly, not overnight) and ease into life and watch it unfold like it always does.
Don't know if any of this will help. But have faith... this too shall pass.
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CannabisSativa
USA
23 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2010 : 5:54:35 PM
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Hello thanks for replying I really appreciate it. Mathurs, about the resting from meditating it seems like I can't rest, I get too restless after I'm done. I was kinda messing around with different stuff but I didn't think it would be too much. My grounding activity would be running only I guess. Swaha I think I understand what you mean, since I feel so restless after I think just letting go would work, because it feels like my body wants to move a lot even if I was previously tired from physical activity.
Shanti, about the routine this is exactly what I did yesterday, I did pranayama with spinal breathing for like 20 minutes. Also some other form of pineal gland and alta major (medulla oblongata) meditation I got from a friend (I know I shouldn't mix stuff up but . . . oh well), now here is where I started feeling restless so I tried deep meditation but I couldn't do it because my thoughts were controlling me but I tried it for a while and then I tried doing samyama but I gave up completely and just felt so weird the rest of the day. I think I did a few other things too because I've been reading so many things I just want to progress fast, I can't remember but one of them was the violet flame meditation. I feel better but I went for a run and I get this weird feeling that I can't explain, the best way would be that I feel like I'm in a dream. I'll take a look at that book, thanks a lot.
I just want to be awakened but I still don't fully understand this whole process. |
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Clear White Light
USA
229 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2010 : 6:55:35 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CannabisSativa
Hello thanks for replying I really appreciate it. Mathurs, about the resting from meditating it seems like I can't rest, I get too restless after I'm done. I was kinda messing around with different stuff but I didn't think it would be too much. My grounding activity would be running only I guess. Swaha I think I understand what you mean, since I feel so restless after I think just letting go would work, because it feels like my body wants to move a lot even if I was previously tired from physical activity.
Shanti, about the routine this is exactly what I did yesterday, I did pranayama with spinal breathing for like 20 minutes. Also some other form of pineal gland and alta major (medulla oblongata) meditation I got from a friend (I know I shouldn't mix stuff up but . . . oh well), now here is where I started feeling restless so I tried deep meditation but I couldn't do it because my thoughts were controlling me but I tried it for a while and then I tried doing samyama but I gave up completely and just felt so weird the rest of the day. I think I did a few other things too because I've been reading so many things I just want to progress fast, I can't remember but one of them was the violet flame meditation. I feel better but I went for a run and I get this weird feeling that I can't explain, the best way would be that I feel like I'm in a dream. I'll take a look at that book, thanks a lot.
I just want to be awakened but I still don't fully understand this whole process.
Hi CannabisSativa,
The feelings you describe are often the direct result of taking on too much spiritual practice at once. Although I understand your enthusiasm to make progress as quickly as possible, the approach you are taking is actually going to do more harm than good. As you said yourself, you don't fully understand the process. Since you don't understand it, wouldn't it be fair to say that perhaps it would be best to take it easy until you do understand a bit more?
Practices like meditation and pranayama are VERY powerful tools. At times, even too powerful. A person can go from being under-sensitive, to so overly sensitive and wired with energy that they cannot even function properly in their normal day to day life. This is a sure fire way to slow down progress. If one is constantly having to mitigate a spiritual crisis, where is stability to be found?
Stability is absolutely key to this process. This is why self-pacing is stressed so strongly here at AYP. When we meditate, especially early on, we are releasing large amounts of tension, anxiety and trauma. It's no wonder you feel depressed or can't rest after a session! If we are constantly over doing it with our practices, we will be going from one period of release to another with no time in between to ground ourselves, stabilize, and live life. Essentially we will become like an open wound, sensitive to the slightest agitations.
You're not going to become "enlightened" by driving yourself crazy with an excess of spiritual practices. Try to stick to one system if you can. Or at least try not to double up on meditation and pranayama exercises. Try to practice a baseline AYP routine of just Deep Meditation and Spinal Breathing for a week or two, then see how you feel. If you are still feeling ungrounded, it may be necessary to back off even the spinal breathing. Yeah, I know it is difficult. But this is a process of purification (or mental/emotional catharsis, if you will). You can only handle so much at once.
I hope things work themselves out for you.
Good luck moving forward,
~Derek / CWL |
Edited by - Clear White Light on Dec 17 2010 7:01:26 PM |
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CannabisSativa
USA
23 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2010 : 7:25:49 PM
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| Hello Clear White Light, I'm gonna start taking it slower. Lol but I just really want to get there! Thanks a lot! Much love to all of you! |
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Kirtanman
USA
1651 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2010 : 8:08:57 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CannabisSativa
Maybe I'm doing something wrong but today I felt depressed after meditating, I even worked out to feel better but I still can't feel quite good. I also can't tell if it's from this or because my life is not the way I want it to be and maybe this has nothing to do with what I'm feeling.
It could be either/both. The sense of "my life is not the way I want it to be" is very likely the leading cause of depression (no joke).
My website, http://livingunbound.net , has some teachings, techniques and resources that might be useful for you, especially in Level 1 of the lessons there. One of the reasons for starting the site was exactly the type of situation you describe -- feeling mentally or emotionally uncomfortable, and not being sure how to "troubleshoot" it, and, sooner or later, step past it. Just as AYP works as a good overall guide for yoga and meditation practices, Living Unbound may be useful for you for looking at some of the ways you use your mind, and how you look at life, outside of practices. All "just FYI", in case you feel drawn to check it out.
quote:
My mind goes from periods of silence and then to over-thinking, like if I'm doing something it feels like if I'm not there. I need help I could literally cry right now but I'm holding it so hard.
1. As I believe someone else suggested: if you feel like crying - cry. Nothing wrong with it, and nothing to be gained (except bad stuff, like undue stress and possible disease) from holding emotions in. Emotions are like weather; if allowed to naturally "blow on through", they're not a problem. Sometimes a good authentic cry is "just the thing" (and I say this as a man who had a lot of the same health-derailing "don't cry" conditioning that many men have, for a long time; I got over it a number of years ago -- and I've never looked back, or cared to).
2. The mental dynamics you describe are a very well-known phenomenon; people have been dedicating their lives to this stuff -- and documenting the successful results .... for literally thousands of years.
For instance, one set of symbols represented by the three letters of AUM are Waking, Dreaming and Deep Sleep. Kashmir Shaivism also teaches that each of those states contains the three states - for instance, in your case --- in the waking state, you have "waking in waking", "dreaming in waking" and "deep sleep in waking". Waking in Waking is regular waking consciousness. Dreaming in Waking is over-thinking, thereby creating the conceptual overlay that causes some spiritual paths to say that "all this is a dream" or "all this is illusion". Deep Sleep in Waking is when we're so caught up in thinking-delusion that we're effectively absent, entirely, from the moment we're in -- exactly as you described.
And please note that my point isn't to get you think about Kashmir Shaivism, or these "states within states" ... but to point out that, as bad as thought-emotion "storms" can feel when we're in them ... they're a normal and very-well understood part of the process (of the yogic path). And they were deemed important enough to talk about, that certain paths (like Kashmir Shaivism) literally worked descriptions of these things, and what to do about them, into their most sacred writings.
And so, just keep practicing, and maybe check out http://livingunbound.net , and/or the book Loving What Is. I also heartily recommend Real Love by Greg Baer, and Non-Violent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg (there are resource articles on the Living Unbound site, describing both books, as well as Loving What Is). These three books can help us all be clear on the ways in which we may be creating suffering by the way we use our thought processes (Loving What Is), the way we think and behave in our relationships - any and all relationships (Real Love) and in the ways we communicate (Non-Violent Communication).
I, for one, was especially blown away by Non-Violent Communication; I was sure I was a very peaceful communicator, and was surprised, a few years back, to learn otherwise. Most of us have been so deeply conditioned in the ways that we communicate, that we may not see, at all, how violent we really are in communication -- not only with others, but with ourselves, via our own thoughts. Getting some clarity on all this can help a lot, not only in reducing suffering, but also in accelerating the process of yogic sadhana.
The Yoga Sutras says yogash chittam-vrtti-nirodhah - yoga (union; oneness) is the cessation of mind-disturbances. (Yoga Sutras, I.2)
Non-peace requires thinking.
Daily practices go a very long way in ending mind-disturbances, especially the ones that are deeply-seated in conditioned memory. Some of the information I mentioned above can help us create far fewer new conditioned memories, while also releasing old ones, as well - thereby complimenting the process we engage in, in sitting practices. As with all things in the world of mind and spirituality --- "slow and steady wins the race"; as Yogani has said multiple times: "this is a marathon, not a sprint." And so, I'm not recommending anything major or radical; I'm just pointing you in the direction of a few resources you may find useful - there's no urgency, and you certainly don't have to use them all, or use them all now. Having said that, some of us here, including myself, have found all three of those books, as well as the information on the Living Unbound site, to be very helpful (hence the enthusiastic recommendations).
3. Per your username, I'm guessing that you may have a passing acquaintance with marijuana use? Perfectly cool, if so, of course (we're a very open-minded bunch around here, if you didn't know that already). I bring it up only because while marijuana isn't usually a depressant, major changes in usage (a whole lot more, or a whole lot less), especially in combination with other chemicals, and especially if going through a rough patch in life ... and so, just another component that might be contributing on some level, that you might want to watch.
4. "Finally Finally" as other have said -- sitting practices may well have been the catalyst to feeling so badly. You might want to reduce or eliminate practices for a day or two, to see if that makes a difference.
I hope this is useful!
Wholeheartedly,
Kirtanman |
Edited by - Kirtanman on Dec 18 2010 8:13:44 PM |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2010 : 9:38:42 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CannabisSativa
Shanti, about the routine this is exactly what I did yesterday, I did pranayama with spinal breathing for like 20 minutes. Also some other form of pineal gland and alta major (medulla oblongata) meditation I got from a friend (I know I shouldn't mix stuff up but . . . oh well), now here is where I started feeling restless so I tried deep meditation but I couldn't do it because my thoughts were controlling me but I tried it for a while and then I tried doing samyama but I gave up completely and just felt so weird the rest of the day. I think I did a few other things too because I've been reading so many things I just want to progress fast, I can't remember but one of them was the violet flame meditation. I feel better but I went for a run and I get this weird feeling that I can't explain, the best way would be that I feel like I'm in a dream. I'll take a look at that book, thanks a lot.
I just want to be awakened but I still don't fully understand this whole process.
Wow!!!!
Slow down my friend!
This path is a marathon, not a sprint.
Start here------> http://www.aypsite.org/13.html
Stay here-------> http://www.aypsite.org/13.html
Till you are stable before adding anything else.
Spinal breathing 20 min?
Noooooo.... no.. you add spinal breathing after you get stable in meditation and then do it for only 10 min twice a day before deep meditation.
You will definitely feel depressed and weirded out with the mixture of practices you are doing now. It's like mixing drinks at a party... having some beer, then wine, then tequila, then vodka, then scotch... ouch ... not a good idea ya know? |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Dec 17 2010 : 10:53:34 PM
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All good answers, especially Shanti's last one. But earlier she said "this too shall pass". This is very important.
Sometimes practices bring out different emotions we don't expect, and this is normal. Purification is getting rid of stuff, and sometimes we are aware of the bad stuff as it leaves. |
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CannabisSativa
USA
23 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 5:31:00 PM
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That's interesting I'll check the website out and also see if I can read those books. About the Cannabis issue I don't use it often, but when I do the feel of energy gets amplified, and the day before I actually used it so it may have had something to do with what I felt. Thanks a lot for the information Kirtanman. 
I'll be sure to get stable first. |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Dec 19 2010 : 5:40:13 PM
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Cannabis not only amplifies the feeling of energy, but it amplifies any feeling. So if your practice brings up a little depression from something in your past, herb can make it a big depression. Don't know if this applies since it was the day before, but who knows, it lingers in your system for a while, and with me it used to have an affinity for low energy emotions like depression, because it makes you chill.
So I found doing any consciousness altering substances was much enhanced by high energy activities like playing a sport, running, dancing. But that's neither here nor there. . . |
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maynard
USA
23 Posts |
Posted - Dec 23 2010 : 10:01:55 AM
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| I can relate. I have learned that spiritual practices can make me feel more open, aware,loving confident, and at peace. All great things, yes. I have also learned that i cant take advantage and say double my practices to get double the effect. Its the opposite, i find it very easy to over do it. Take it easy, and increase/decrfease duration and intensity, based on your own individual results. A kundalini awakening preceded my spiritual practices, and as a result its very easy for me to stimulate too much energy. Good luck, and resting after meditation helps me. Its like the energy settles back into place if i rest, and sometimes if i domt, it gets stuck in my head/neck, causing mental cloudiness, nervousness, and irritability |
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Chrisk
USA
87 Posts |
Posted - Jan 05 2011 : 2:13:34 PM
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| if your emotions seem to overwhelme you and if this is not cured by meditation, or grounding work, then you might want to see if your depression might be slightly from a clinical point of view especially if life has thrown a lot of difficulties in front of you throughout the years. Then you might want to see an endocrinologist, psychologist, or a psychiatris, they might diagnose a small problem and provide a means for cure. if again you suffer from drug addiction, then again some clinical help would be advisable. |
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Depressed after meditating??
