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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 2:44:07 PM
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I've been having a number of experiences ranging from the mild to the very strong, pleasant to unpleasant, and I think they might be connected to an opening heart.
I've been dealing with a lot of issues from my past (not in meditation - I've tried to keep that cordoned off), often quite painful ones. It's mostly stuff that's painful only to me, deeply personal stuff. I've found myself being confronted with these thoughts/memories quite specifically in my solar plexus, manifested as discomfort or pain. I've taken to greeting them with love and setting them free (they become something like those little lamps floating down the Ganges at dusk). There's definitely freeing going on, some quite wrenching sobbing, for instance.
Yesterday I was driving when I remembered, out of nowhere, a particularly galling and stupid romantic incident which I've always regretted (it was a missed opportunity) and it kicked me, physically, in the solar plexus. I had to struggle quite hard to send it on its way. Actually that drive culminated in making my way home through an unforecasted freak windstorm, 60 mph winds, that took down a huge tree in my back yard. Synchronicity...
I've been experiencing strange throbbing sensations all through my body, a very strong pulsation that doesn't have anything to do, necessarily, with my actual heartbeat.
Waking up in the night with semi-panic attack symptoms. Last night I was dreaming that someone was pressing their thumb hard into my spine at around diaphragm level. I woke up to find that the pain was real, very strong and local, seeming to be inside my spine. I focused on it and it vanished.
The very strong urge to chant/hum/drone along to music, and to play music - a long session of this the other day in the car, leading to slight but not unpleasant disorientation (after I'd got home!), more of those pulsations and a continuing need to fill my chest with sound and vibration.
The urgent need to progress with my practice and to deepen my spiritual knowledge - more synchronicity, a guru/teacher whose knowledge I deeply respect suddenly wrote to me after months of fruitless pursuit on my part.
The growing ability, which I wrote about elsewhere here, to let each moment go by like beads on a prayer mala.
It's tempting to label all these things as good or bad and I won't as they are neither. But I'd be very interested to hear anybody's opinion as to what's going on (it IS very definitely practice related).
Thanks for any thoughts!
Love!
PS my practice at the moment consists of, twice daily: 8 mins SB, 3 rounds chin pump, 2 mins spinal basktrika, 10 mins DM, 2 rounds YMK, 2 rounds of samayana, and at least 3 minutes total rest afterwards. This seems about right to me (and it's usually all I can squeeze in). I tried cutting out the chin pump but it didn't feel right, and the bastrika has suddenly started to make sense. But I'm quite aware that I've got a Virya complex which does get me into trouble from time to time... |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 5:29:15 PM
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Hi grihastha
Thanks for that lovely sharing 
Beautiful....... the way you let go.
Just a few things come up here....
Whenever you feel that you are reaching a level where you experience that you are uncomfortable between practices...it is time to self-pace. I am not sure if you feel you have reached that point...but here it seems that...when you wake up with panick attacks ....and you have various physical pains.....and in addition you are
quote:
having a number of experiences ranging from the mild to the very strong, pleasant to unpleasant
now it is time to slow down.
3 minutes of rest after your sitting time is not much. Consider resting for up to 10 minutes. This might seem much.....but it is amazing what a proper rest takes care of regarding a lot of purification during practices. Also consider reducing Samyama (one round instead of two). As for the other practices....well, all I can say is that it is amazing what SBP and DM and a touch of Samyama does.....so cutting down on the rest until you are stable is not necessarily going to "slow you down" on your way home. On the contrary. Less is often more.....here and now
As for whether this is a heart opening or not....that could be. But we don't really have to know...that's the beauty of it. It is for sure an opening - and that is all that matters
All the best
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 6:41:44 PM
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Agree with everything Katrine said.. esp. increasing your rest time.
Just one thing to add, it seems like your practice is more pranayam based than deep meditation, 8 mins SpB, 3 rounds chin pump, 2 mins spinal basktrika, 2 rounds YMK and only 10 mins DM. Deep meditation is the main core practice (along with SpB), and unless you are ODing on silence, you may want to try to increase your deep meditation time to 20 min. |
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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 7:26:56 PM
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Thank you, my friends!
Wonderful, warm advice. I see now that I do need to self-limit (the funny thing is, I thought I was...).
Katrine, I think I'll cut out chin pumps, and yes: one round of samyama for the time being. I adore samyama but I think I'm rather sensitive to it. I sometimes do some heart breathing (not for a while) during puja and I find it a bit mind-blowing.
Shanti: how funny - you're right. I've totally loaded up on pranayam at the expense of meditation. I think it's because my meditations used to be such totally full-on communions with Ma and since I've toned them down, perhaps I'm neglecting the Silence. But I have to confess: I AM really works. It's powerful. |
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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2009 : 8:34:59 PM
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That should have read: I was a bit skeptical, but I have to confess: I AM really works for me...
I think because it's evened out my meditation experience I might be resenting I AM a bit, even as I persevere. Guess I'll just have to say goodbye to the extraordinary visions. They were all ME anyway, though, weren't they...? |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 02 2009 : 09:00:06 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by grihastha
I think because it's evened out my meditation experience I might be resenting I AM a bit, even as I persevere. Guess I'll just have to say goodbye to the extraordinary visions. They were all ME anyway, though, weren't they...?
Extraordinary visions are beautiful, and many of them come from within, and many are the mind re-creating the original vision. It really does not matter, as we progress we are blessed with more and more inner knowing, inner visions. Ma is with you whether you talk to her or not. So all AYP says is the 20 min we meditate, if we realize we are caught up in visions, to go back to the mantra. Just for the 20 min, treat the visions as distractions. Ma will understand, because Ma knows the 20 min of cultivating silence will give you more access to her. Finally you are Ma. Ma is not something other than you. You are looking for Ma with her eyes. Enjoy the journey Grihastha, you are blessed. |
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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 10:56:05 AM
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An update: I cut out most of my pranayama (kept 10 mins SB and a couple of YMK), and dropped samyama too for the time being. DM I upped to 20 minutes.
Yesterday (which was a cauldron of stress anyway) I started to get a nasty pain in my jaw (which I'm prone to - I carry my stress there). I did a half-hour of really deep chanting, just wordless droning, really, deep in my chest, while I was driving, then some of Jim & his Karma's suggested front-channel-unblocking things (they work!). Then as I was driving back into town to pick up my wife and kids I was overcome with the most horrible, road-ragey loathing for humanity - particularly as humanity was driving really badly yesterday... I have to say it was really, really bad (for me - I internalized it apart from a bit of horn-honking) and left me feeling disgusted with myself. I only barely kept it together, and slunk off for a quiet bit of sadhana when we all got home, still feeling awful, though I noticed that the jaw pain had transmuted into a sort of not unpleasant, goosebump/tingling feeling, which has never happened before. Went to bed, slept like a log with lots of rather nice dreams, and woke up feeling completely different.
Obviously some heavy-duty purification going on. But it's really hard when that manifests as anger. Hopefully this stage will pass without annoying everyone around me too much. Oh, well - bring it on.
Love! |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 11:16:10 AM
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Are you resting after your practice?
Generally anger/irritation happens when you don't rest enough. Please take at least 10 min of rest after practice. If possible take a nap. This will really help.
Here is Yogani's lesson on this.
Lesson 219 - Q&A – Irritability in activity |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 11:27:22 AM
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| PS: Also, selfpace and ground. Since you were doing 10 min med, make it 15 and once you are stable with that go to 20. Make sure you do some grounding stuff during the day.. walks, exercise. You really do not have to suffer thru this process. Find a balance in practice that works for you that will help things open up smoothly. |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 12:49:59 PM
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Hi, grihastha
Someone was kind enough to point me here...I haven't gotten much feedback on the front channel block stuff, so I'm grateful to get some corroboration and know it doesn't just work for me! :)
Re: your experience, it was a missed opportunity. Next time you have a raging fury (and let's hope it's soon), try taking a more yogic approach, and don't fight it, don't judge it, don't try to resist, control, or change it. Just let it happen and witness it. Suspend any feeling that you "ought to" be acting some other way...that the universe "ought to" be something other than what it is in this very moment. Just let be What Is.
In that light, direct your attention to the energy pouring out of you. Pay scant heed to your thoughts, or to what you may find yourself "labeling" that energy. Just let that be what is. Witness the light passing through these particular filters and gels, and disregard those filters and gels.
I won't give away the revelation, but you'll be very surprised. |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Jun 03 2009 12:52:23 PM |
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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Jun 03 2009 : 1:25:53 PM
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Jim, I'm glad you've appeared! I need to offer you a great many thanks for your front channel researches. I think they've done something decisive to the really bad jaw pain that's been plaguing me for a couple of years. It's a stiffness in the jaw socket on the right hand side that radiates up into my head and down through the muscles of my neck into my upper torso. Sometimes quite extreme. As I felt it coming on yesterday I followed your advice, breathing in through ajna, through tongue, into throat and down to perineum. The energy began to flush downwards immediately. Now I'm left with a sore jaw socket but no throbbing pain and a pleasant tingling sensation over the right side of my face, roughly corresponding to the bits that are usually writhing in agony. So, again, thanks!!
As for the advice re. anger, I'll try and contrive a towering rage at the earliest opportunity... ;) Funnily enough it did occur to me, very hazily, to try something like what you suggest, but I was just... too bloody angry. I was keenly aware of the rage, of course, and almost in equal measure, aware of how guilty it was making me feel. All sorts of emotions along the lines of 'How the **#@ can I treat every sentient being with boundless, unconditional love when they're all @#*&*? Oh no! Well, there goes jivanmukti for this birth..." It's a vicious circle, of course.
Well, I can't wait to see what happens! |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2009 : 11:08:49 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by grihastha
I followed your advice, breathing in through ajna, through tongue, into throat and down to perineum. The energy began to flush downwards immediately. Now I'm left with a sore jaw socket but no throbbing pain and a pleasant tingling sensation over the right side of my face, roughly corresponding to the bits that are usually writhing in agony. So, again, thanks!!
I'm very glad it worked, but FWIW that's not what I suggested! I didn't mention anything about breathing through the ajna or perineum.
quote:
Originally posted by grihastha
Funnily enough it did occur to me, very hazily, to try something like what you suggest
That's your witness. It will become less and less hazy with time as you meditate. Your behavior, however, will not necessarily grow more and more saintly. You'll continue to be the human being you've been. But there will be a point of silent perspective which transcends all that growing more and more firmly established. Yoga is not about self-improvement. It's about self-perspective. Don't expect to get better-and-better-in-every-way. That's just yoga myth...and it's just a mind trip (the mind's the only thing in this universe which divides the universe up into good/bad, better/worse, etc, in the first place). Expect to see things more objectively and less subjectively. You got a taste of that, but the subjectivity finally won out in the end 
quote:
Originally posted by grihastha
I was just... too bloody angry. I was keenly aware of the rage, of course, and almost in equal measure, aware of how guilty it was making me feel. All sorts of emotions along the lines of 'How the **#@ can I treat every sentient being with boundless, unconditional love when they're all @#*&*? Oh no! Well, there goes jivanmukti for this birth..." It's a vicious circle, of course.
You know how in meditation, it's fairly easy to notice you're caught in a thought and return to mantra, but things get a little more tangled when you get caught in thoughts ABOUT thoughts? The mind endlessly tempts and entices you off mantra, and you endlessly, gently return to mantra each time you notice. And the mind even starts concocting some deeply "spiritual" distractions to draw you off mantra, and all sorts of ideas and emotions concerning what you're doing with yoga, generally, and with this meditation, specifically. How do you handle that? Right....you simply return to mantra. You don't resolve the philosophical issues. You don't "work through" your emotions. You don't judge how well it's going. You just say "I am". You let it all be. You let it all be. You let it all be just exactly as it is, without trying to erase, change, improve, recoil, or grab at any of it. You let thoughts be thoughts. You let the clouds float by....and you return to mantra, right?
It's a potent way to reveal how the mind works. How it frenetically (and seductively!) conflates and complicates and judges. And yoga and "spirituality" are just as much fodder for mind as any other topic.
Drop your assumptions about how you "ought" to act, or how yoga "ought" to affect/improve you. There's no way of "acting" that rings the bell and pops the yogic cookie in your mouth. Rage is human. You're human. The goal isn't to repress your human reactions and emotions. You do, however, have the glimmerings of a vantage point from outside all that. Use it to witness. Examine the next rage and see what it is...examine the bright, glaring light before the mind filters it and names it and judges it. Don't make it go away. Don't try to make anything go away. You can come exactly as you are. The universe is certainly completely as it is...and you're just part of that. So, really, there's nothing to do but fall backward into it with an unbounded heart.
....and do your practices with a casual shrug, like brushing your teeth. |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Jun 04 2009 11:10:55 AM |
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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2009 : 12:38:15 PM
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Hey Jim,
It's funny, I could have sworn I read - somewhere, not on the main front channel thread - you advising someone to exhale (not inhale - I put that down wrong) through the brow, down through the tongue etc etc. Never mind. It worked for me anyway...
I've been doing some investigation on anger and other 'impulse emotions.' What I've discovered so far is that, when I witness these impulses and detach them from their accompanying thought story (cause, justification etc) I experience them purely as a physical sensation in my heart region, a sort of not entirely pleasant throb roughly centered on the solar plexus. I've also noticed that a lot of strong feelings and particularly insistent thoughts can be reduced to the same thing. I find that if I can deflect my attention from the thought/emotion to the sensation the emotion immediately dissipates. The throb itself is minor but I can only describe it as portentious, ie it's an act of communication within my Self.
That's as coherent as I can be at the moment. We're trying to sell our house right now, so fear not, the opportunities to analyze blind fury are many, various and exciting... |
Edited by - grihastha on Jun 05 2009 12:57:13 PM |
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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2009 : 12:39:43 PM
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| But as to ajna/tongue/perineum exhale, big apologies for the misatribution. Your throat dilation technique is a real winner, meanwhile. |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Jun 06 2009 : 1:11:48 PM
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Wow. Awesome fast progress on the anger witnessing. Keep going, you're about a micron away from putting that all together. When you do, please post, so I can comment! Although, even if you don't, you'll soon figure out what I was going to comment, anyway (if you come back and read your first post in a few months, you'll see what I mean).
And, no joke, do see if you can keep up this neutrality (maybe better to call it "objectivity") during the home closing nightmare. And if you forget, and it gets to you, that's cool, too. Just witness the being gotten to :)
Also, no sweat on the misattribution. |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Jun 06 2009 1:16:09 PM |
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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Jun 08 2009 : 08:44:38 AM
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An update:
SOMETHING is happening, anyway: as you predicted, Jim, some flu-like symptoms (nasty stuff in sinuses and chest, sore throat, no fever but feeling groggy), and lots of deep muscle pain in the upper back, which has switched from the right to the left side (some of that is a consequence of using my chainsaw for the first time in a while) - I'm guessing this is kundalini-related, though, as it has that not-quite-normal feeling about it, and when I do myself in lifting kids or shifting wood, the pain usually stays in one place. Anyway the opening activity seems to have shifted from heart to throat. Curiouser and curiouser.
And Jim, I'm still trying to put it all together, though where I am at the moment is that a lot - perhaps all - of the 'chatter' thoughts and those impulse thoughts/emotions - actually, what I think of as my personality - seem purely physical in origin, as if my ego was just piggy-backing them onto energy.
The Observer seems to exist somewhere quite different. I now picture it as a smooth column of black void running up through my core (not in a bad way at all - I regard it with the same pleasure as I might find looking at a clear, starry night). This is something I sense rather than experience. I do, however, now understand why the Buddhists see 'mind' as centered in the heart. |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 12:11:11 AM
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Responding to each paragraph separately:
1. It's like a tiny little construction crew doing their thing. You'll learn to ignore them.
2. I'd suggest less trying to put it together, and more silent witnessing. Don't use your mind, tempting though it is. Let the understanding come from silence, not from mental chewing. You're saying good stuff, but you're also getting mindy. Mind's a good transfer agent to catalog insights coming from silence, but when it starts thinking about thinking about thinking, chasing its own tail, there's not much good from that.
3. Re: how you conceive/visualize stuff, you'll find that all changes frequently. As Yogani says, enjoy the scenery, but don't pay it too much heed. Stay loose. It's all got to be dismantled anyway. Just lie back in the current and let it take you. |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Jun 09 2009 12:12:13 AM |
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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Jun 09 2009 : 08:38:14 AM
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1. I'm learning...
2. The mind. Hmmm - it's troublesome for me, all right. I've been dabbling in Tantric theory for years, and so of course I'm filtering all my experiences through what I already know about Kashmir Saivism etc (which admittedly isn't a whole lot, but still...). So I percieve the stillness of the Observer and of course immediately see it as Shiva, and that, of course, starts off a whole calliope of other thoughts and speculations which I have to stifle.
3. Check. My practice has evolved massively already. Letting go of the habitual filtering as per above really put me on a much smoother path, though with much heavier physical impact (even though I used to have really intense one-hour meditations daily, including all sorts of crown stuff, without too many ill-effects. Go figure).
I actually felt a blockage go yesterday in DM. My mind strayed to a website I found during some pre-AYP tussles with Ma Kundalini, which had the warning that it was 'Shaktipat loaded...' Hmmmm... I started to smile inside, then suddenly electric currents of pleasure started running up my spine, leading to a full-torso pre-orgasmic blush. I felt a sharp stab in my shoulder, about where the muscle is bothering me, and I coughed for no reason. Then energy started to just wash down my body, from head to feet, as if someone had just pulled the plug in the bathtub that was my subtle body. This happened a couple more times, and after I came out of DM most of my aches and pains were gone and I felt loose and ready to go.
It's nice to actually have one of these experiences once in a while after reading about them.
Jim, how do you reconcile the theory of yoga/spirituality with the 'just letting it all happen' rule, which I agree is a must? If you don't mind me asking? You may not be bothered at all, of course... |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 6:52:04 PM
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"Jim, how do you reconcile the theory of yoga/spirituality with the 'just letting it all happen' rule"
Theory is just mind stuff. Reconciling is just mind stuff. Rules about "just letting it all happen" are mind stuff. If you think there's the slightest possibility of your "figuring it all out", then get started on that (and, btw, enjoy this message board devoted to exactly that). If you start to sense the limits of thought, then simply let the mental motor rev as it will. It need not drive the car. |
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grihastha
USA
184 Posts |
Posted - Jun 10 2009 : 9:07:41 PM
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Thanks for that, mate! The idea of actually 'figuring it all out' - hubris, or what...
It's nothing but surrender, is it, finally? |
Edited by - grihastha on Jun 10 2009 11:07:46 PM |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Jun 11 2009 : 07:34:36 AM
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That's a mental concept as well.
Nothing needs to change. It's come-as-you-are. Leave it all be, and feel comfortable. But also do practices...just like brushing your teeth (note that in the latter you're not aspiring to be Super Teeth Man).
which reminds me, re: this:
"So I percieve the stillness of the Observer and of course immediately see it as Shiva, and that, of course, starts off a whole calliope of other thoughts and speculations which I have to stifle."
Stifling is just thought battling thought. Don't stifle anything ever. Don't even stifle the stifling. The engine may rev, but it needn't engage the car. |
Edited by - Jim and His Karma on Jun 11 2009 08:46:47 AM |
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Heart questions (questions from the heart?)
