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Anthem
1608 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 05 2008 : 1:17:42 PM
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I’m trying to clear out an issue or block I have become aware of in my life.
I’ve recently become aware that I’m afraid of conflict to a degree I wasn’t aware of and that I like to avoid it whenever possible. I particularly seem to avoid it with people who I perceive don’t handle it well, who jump up and down and get very emotionally charged. When I speak of conflict I am referring to disagreements with a friend or acquaintance or work colleague, someone that having a conducive relationship with “matters” when it comes to daily life. Rereading this, the idea of “conducive relationship” might need inquiry?
Initial fear of conflict seems to stem from the idea that the person I have conflict with wouldn’t like me anymore, would be angry and that it would permanently damage our relationship. After inquiring, I realize that this isn’t necessarily true. I see that often the conflict is a result of and comes after hurt feelings or misunderstandings have already occurred. Therefore the conflict is actually healing in the sense that misunderstanding is rooted out (when the conflict is approached with resolution in mind). I can feel with people that the initial reaction to truth is often hate or something negative, though I know this can give way to eventual acceptance and gratefulness in time.
Deep down though I still feel lot’s of fear with the idea of confronting people who are acting inappropriately towards me, particularly if they will bark loud and carry on. I also notice that the fear goes away if I no longer care if we have a good relationship or not. This may need inquiry too.
There is also fear of entering conflict everywhere and too often if I lose my fear of it. I have a sense that if I am seen as a person who enters a lot of conflict with others that I am somehow a failure and not living my life with “right action” because conflict wouldn’t happen if I was. I realize this isn’t necessarily true, because sometimes words spoken or written are massively misunderstood by another or interpreted through their own personal “story” which can distort the reality of the situation. In this case, conflict is also good, because true intentions can be explained and again misunderstandings can be cleared away allowing for conducive feelings again.
Anyway, I am putting this out there for inquiry, I can sense I haven’t rooted the entire issue out yet, so any insight appreciated.
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Edited by - Anthem on Oct 05 2008 1:24:21 PM |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2008 : 01:30:33 AM
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Hi Anthem,
Thank you for a very honest and open post. I'm trying to sense where the "knot" is in this, and I'm not really sure, but I'll write from my heart what I associate to when I read it, ok?
Since it is in everyday relationships the fear is clearly shown... can you see when this fear began? Sometimes (not always) it can help getting closer to the knot if you start figuring out when you first started having these reactions and fears. Did you grow up in a family where conflicts were either often uncomfortably present or not allowed and suppressed, thus hiding under the surface?
"the idea that the person I have conflict with wouldn’t like me anymore"
Yes, this is a common thought when you are afraid of conflicts. But let's face it - isn't it so that "as long as you agree with me I like you"?  So being in conflict already shows there someone not liking another here... at the moment! But does it always take TWO to be in a conflict? When I read I get the feeling you mostly point at THE OTHER having a conflict with you... is that the case? If so... then YOU don't necessarily have to be in a conflict. You can just watch the other person being in his/her own hellish dream, and be there for them with compassion. And if it turns out s/he will continue not to like you, it would be an occasion to inquire "Do I really need your love/approval/liking"?
This will most often NOT end up in a "giving up" solution. "I no longer care if we have a good relationship or not." sounds a bit like a "giving up" which is not really based in full acceptance and love, but based in a shutting off/running away from the fear. You mention that it is when a lot of barking and negative emotions are thrown towards you that the fear is stronger. There's a LOT of energy coming from such emotions. But are they really "negative"? Energy is energy. What if you just take that energy in and feel the shower of power, feel yourself standing in an energy storm and enjoy the strength of it!? It's just energy... it has got nothing to do with you, if you don't REACT to it with the same type of emotions. Then THAT would be the topic to self-inquire. What pushed your buttons? Oh, I just saw something. You write "people who are acting inappropriately towards me"... is that "inappropriate" really? It could be a very appropriate thing fo them to do to force you to look at your fear of conflict! What a hoot! It was an angel barking at you!
I also come to think of Don Miquel Ruiz... You only feel awkward when someone is angry with you if you believe yourself that what they say is TRUE! If someone is angry because you have coloured your hair green and you know you haven't coloured your hair at all, you won't take it in as a serious thing at all and don't take it personally at all. If someone is angry because you have done a bad job and you feel really awkward, you somewhere believe yourself that you actually did a bad job! Otherwise the anger would be irrelevant to you.
So another approach to follow is also to take the critique in with gratefulness. Can the person be right in his anger? Do I have those traits/behaviours, did I do wrong? Even if it is 99% the other's projections - what triggered it? Why did I get the bucket of anger over me?
On the other hand, if it is YOU who feel you are in conflict with THEM... well... then perhaps you could inquire what you don't like with them or their opinions/ways, and do The Work on it, since they are offering a gift for you, to discover your own projections!  (I know you know this.)
So as I see it, conflict is not only good to solve misunderstandings BETWEEN two people - I don't think we ever get to real understanding anyway, we always live on our own planet. Conflicts show us mostly what we don't want to face WITHIN OURSELVES.
Just a bunch of associations, perhaps not put forward in a pedagogical way, I'm in a hurry to work... forgive my blunt and frank tone!
I appreciate you a lot, Andrew. You are always an inspiriation!
Love, emc |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Oct 06 2008 : 04:29:28 AM
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Hi Anthem
Thanks for your honest account.
What you describe resonates with me. I can see myself there also.
There is also fear of entering conflict everywhere and too often if I lose my fear of it. I have a sense that if I am seen as a person who enters a lot of conflict with others that I am somehow a failure and not living my life with “right action” because conflict wouldn’t happen if I was.
This says a lot to me. It suggests to me that you are "holding in yourself" because you wish to be in harmony with others. If this is the case, this holding, in the form of forced "right action" would alienate people and create potential conflict.
In saying this of course I have to go away and have a close look at myself because what I am seeing, I am seeing through my own filters.
I have found NVC (non violent communication) to be very helpful with communication with others. It is more communication friendly, in cases like these, than The Work, in my view.
One of the potential pitfalls of our kind of work here is that we see our "needs" as something to be gotten rid of, to be cleared out in the name of non-attachment.
In the world of communicating with people on an everyday basis however people's needs in relation to our own needs are what can bring us together in a profound way. This is the science of NVC.
If we look at ourselves as a "hard drive" and through our AYP practices and the development of inner silence, we are clearing out the hard drive, wiping it clean as such. As we do this we encounter mental formations and constructions that have served us well ( or not) in living in the world to date.
When this is revealed to be flawed however and now seems to be working against us - we need to re-configer the "hard drive" with something else. To me this is where NVC is very helpful.
Here is one video, there are many others:
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug5E8HNn2fg
All the best
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Edited by - Sparkle on Oct 06 2008 04:31:08 AM |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2008 : 12:34:23 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by emc
Hi Anthem,
Thank you for a very honest and open post. I'm trying to sense where the "knot" is in this, and I'm not really sure, but I'll write from my heart what I associate to when I read it, ok?
What more could I ask? Your caring enough to write from your heart is humbling for me. I feel very grateful.
quote:
Since it is in everyday relationships the fear is clearly shown... can you see when this fear began?
Good question, yes very easily, it comes from my childhood, this person in my life was the temper, it made me the peace-maker I am today. This person's emotions, were on the surface, came out in bluster and it was all just noise and barking, but it intimidated me. I let go resentment of this some time ago, but this is where it started. Similar personalities to this individual tweak this response in me.
The soothing presence of love was there too, always calming, so I had both ends of the spectrum from a young age, it made for some of my first memories. Thank you for asking me this, a nice reminder.
quote:
"the idea that the person I have conflict with wouldn’t like me anymore"
Yes, this is a common thought when you are afraid of conflicts. But let's face it - isn't it so that "as long as you agree with me I like you"? So being in conflict already shows there someone not liking another here... at the moment!
An important point for me, the hate and anger and dislike are in the moment of defensiveness, but often give way to understanding and happy feelings after the fact. It is an important point for me to acknowledge, that on the other side of the truth is often gratefulness even if it isn't spoken or conscious. And sometimes it remains resentment, but that resentment torments, and asks for justification over and over, exposing the self-lie at a level (of being) that can not be denied.
quote:
But does it always take TWO to be in a conflict? When I read I get the feeling you mostly point at THE OTHER having a conflict with you... is that the case? If so... then YOU don't necessarily have to be in a conflict. You can just watch the other person being in his/her own hellish dream, and be there for them with compassion.
Yes I like this and do this often with most people, not taking it personally. Seems now that I reflect, it is with that blustery, barking personality with the fragile ego that I tend to shy away from speaking or acting on the truth in the heart of the matter for myself and them.
quote:
And if it turns out s/he will continue not to like you, it would be an occasion to inquire "Do I really need your love/approval/liking"?
This is the golden question in your post for me. If I accept that they are free to choose for themselves their reaction to the situation, that it has nothing to do with me, there is no loss if they decide to go their own way. Again I notice from this line of questioning that I am comfortable with most people if this occurs but fear the repercussions with that one personality type. I will have to investigate further here with some more inquiry.
quote:
This will most often NOT end up in a "giving up" solution. "I no longer care if we have a good relationship or not." sounds a bit like a "giving up" which is not really based in full acceptance and love, but based in a shutting off/running away from the fear.
Giving up can be a good thing, often it is a sign of letting go of a desired outcome and accepting what is. As long as their is peace with the decision and no self-recrimination it can be a positive.
quote:
You mention that it is when a lot of barking and negative emotions are thrown towards you that the fear is stronger. There's a LOT of energy coming from such emotions. But are they really "negative"? Energy is energy. What if you just take that energy in and feel the shower of power, feel yourself standing in an energy storm and enjoy the strength of it!?
yes again, most anyone can have a tantrum and i don't mind. With that personality type it seems to trigger me, so I will have to inquire here.
quote:
I also come to think of Don Miquel Ruiz... You only feel awkward when someone is angry with you if you believe yourself that what they say is TRUE! If someone is angry because you have coloured your hair green and you know you haven't coloured your hair at all, you won't take it in as a serious thing at all and don't take it personally at all. If someone is angry because you have done a bad job and you feel really awkward, you somewhere believe yourself that you actually did a bad job! Otherwise the anger would be irrelevant to you.
Yes I am becoming stronger in this area all the time as inner silence deepens, allowing people to express their dream to whatever degree they want and realizing that it can be true for them but not for me. I often ask myself as honestly as possible if there is any truth in their words first to be sure I address it if there is, that said and done, I can let go of my end responsibly.
quote:
Just a bunch of associations, perhaps not put forward in a pedagogical way, I'm in a hurry to work... forgive my blunt and frank tone!
Blunt and frank, I would have it no other way. Your insights are both very helpful and appreciated.
Heartfelt thanks,
With love,
A
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2008 : 09:30:24 AM
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Hi Louis,
Thanks for taking the time to reply.
quote:
Originally posted by Sparkle
Hi Anthem
Thanks for your honest account.
What you describe resonates with me. I can see myself there also.
There is also fear of entering conflict everywhere and too often if I lose my fear of it. I have a sense that if I am seen as a person who enters a lot of conflict with others that I am somehow a failure and not living my life with “right action” because conflict wouldn’t happen if I was.
This says a lot to me. It suggests to me that you are "holding in yourself" because you wish to be in harmony with others. If this is the case, this holding, in the form of forced "right action" would alienate people and create potential conflict.
Yes, good point, I can see this, my fear of conflict and wanting to avoid it, is an imbalance in my perspective on conflict and would attract it into my life until the balance is restored.
quote:
I have found NVC (non violent communication) to be very helpful with communication with others. It is more communication friendly, in cases like these, than The Work, in my view.
Thank you for mentioning this book, it has come up often enough in my life, it's probably time I read it.
quote:
One of the potential pitfalls of our kind of work here is that we see our "needs" as something to be gotten rid of, to be cleared out in the name of non-attachment.
In the world of communicating with people on an everyday basis however people's needs in relation to our own needs are what can bring us together in a profound way. This is the science of NVC.
quote:
If we look at ourselves as a "hard drive" and through our AYP practices and the development of inner silence, we are clearing out the hard drive, wiping it clean as such. As we do this we encounter mental formations and constructions that have served us well ( or not) in living in the world to date.
When this is revealed to be flawed however and now seems to be working against us - we need to re-configer the "hard drive" with something else. To me this is where NVC is very helpful.
Great points, yes I agree, this can be a pitfall of yogic thinking. A friend of mine rightly points out, it's not clearing away blockages so much as bringing perspectives into balance. Realizing that it is neither one extreme or the other but both and neither at the same time. Duality v. non-duality. A knife is neither a negative weapon or a benign instrument for preparing food, it is neither and both, only colored by our perspective when it is not in balance leading us to feel one extreme or another about a neutral object. In other words it is what it is.
quote:
Here is one video, there are many others:
http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug5E8HNn2fg
All the best
Thank you Louis for taking the time, very appreciated, I will definitely have a look.
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2008 : 11:16:36 AM
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I would like to join this topic as I have been following it from the beginning but can only relate to it in the opposite respect.
I am probably the type of person the "tweaks" that response in you Anthem, or at least I used to be. I am the type of person that "looks" for conflict, thrives on it, needs it....at least I used to be, or I am finally getting over it. For the majority of my life I have been the type of person that loves conflict. (mostly intellectual, never physical, and was occasionally stimulated by minor emotional conflicts) My mother swears I was arguing with her before the age of 1. I grew up playing devil's advocate just to provoke an arguement. This, (playing devil's advocate) caused me to be viewed in a light that didn't truly reflect my REAL values, and this bothered me and fueled even more conflict. Eventually I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainence and learned about what "dialectic conversation" was, and things only got worse and worse until I hit a breaking point about 4 years ago. I kinda wish I was the type of person who hated conflict. I could really stand to learn a lot from people who do I think.
This is why I wanted to jump in here....I understand that there needs to be a balance between shying away from conflict and proper expression of oneself, as well as a healthy desire for the truth but without being arguementative, but is it just a matter of picking one's battles better or is it something more then that? Any suggestions? I promise I will try not to argue
In Love,
CarsonZi |
Edited by - CarsonZi on Oct 07 2008 11:19:33 AM |
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apachechief
Ireland
65 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2008 : 11:55:24 AM
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Anthem,
I'm one of those people who used to seek out conflict, who hoped the new TV was defective so I could go back and have a go at the salesman. It's just a destructive energy pattern that I've carried with me for a long time; my own insecurities, my anger, etc., looking for an outlet. Happily, much less so these days, but still lurking around to let me know there's still work to be done.
But there were some people I just couldn't handle, those who were very aggressive, and I used to find at work that I'd be getting abuse over the phone, and I had no idea how to deal with it. Put the boss in the same situation; he didn't give a damn, and they were like lambs. The way I see it, is they were able to pick up on my insecurity, my weakness, and exploit it, target it and use me as a receptacle for their anger. But in a way, I have to take some responsibility for that. They can't pick it up if I'm not projecting it out. It doesn't give them the right to be rude, but it helps to explain it and shows me that there is something I need to address.
People jumping up and down and throwing tantrums are trying to disarm you but as you say, if you don't care then they really have nothing to hook onto because you're not projecting your fear at this time.
I had one particular issue with two people; the first just wouldn't have it and sort of laughed it off, which basically had the effect of dissipating the problem. The second persisted, and was more destructive because we both fed it. It sorted itself out in the end, but not before I made a fool of myself. It helps to be aware of what's happening within yourself and to know that you have the power to determine the outcome. Your only responsibility is to yourself and you can do no more that to stand up for yourself while at the same time respecting the people around you.
A little exercise I was told about some time ago is to breath in and at the same time imagine your energy field being drawn in closer to your body, to within a few inches. Just repeat it two or three times. It has the effect of offering some protection as there is a lot less for anyone to grab onto and some people find it very useful. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2008 : 2:03:47 PM
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Hi Andrew, it's getting clearer as you continue to write! If you don't mind, I'll go on being frank here. Forgive me if I'm taking long shots or doesn't put it in a nice way. I'm acting a detective here, and when reading your answer to me I got stuck heavily on this part:
quote:
emc: This will most often NOT end up in a "giving up" solution. "I no longer care if we have a good relationship or not." sounds a bit like a "giving up" which is not really based in full acceptance and love, but based in a shutting off/running away from the fear.
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Anthem: Giving up can be a good thing, often it is a sign of letting go of a desired outcome and accepting what is. As long as their is peace with the decision and no self-recrimination it can be a positive.
I agree that giving up can be a letting go. However, I think this sounds like a defense speach and another try to get around the fact that you are running away from something uncomfortable that is about to bubble up... You know you are dealing with a not so nice projection here, no? So lets go into what I read between the lines... (following The Work wisdoms...)
I see a very clear dichotomy between
ME - the good guy (haven't you written many posts on that theme? I recognize it from other posts). I found it particularly here, when you say:
"it made me the peace-maker I am today"
And the whole topic is about you being the good guy here in opposition to:
THEM - that personality type that seems to trigger you.
I think you are right that that's the one's you should inquire a bit more!
See here what I found:
"Similar personalities to this individual tweak this response in me - - -that blustery, barking personality with the fragile ego - - - people who I perceive don’t handle it well, who jump up and down and get very emotionally charged - - - people who are acting inappropriately towards me"
Well... that's quite a description that contains some BEAUTIFUL judgments to inquire!  Clearly, you have formed a point of view about these people, and you know, since you were conditioned in the past and got a lot of wounds from a person like that, that THEY ARE NO GOOD! Perhaps you should judge them a bit more, collect the adjectives and do The Work on it!
And also... it would be possible to go further and investigate the lurking underlying conviction that it is an inappropriate behaviour. To me it sounds like you are being very "spiritually correct, nice and wise" and intellectually defensive (!) when you say that you can see that conflicts can be beneficial in the end, sort out misunderstandings etc etc... That is an escape to me. What's underneith seems to be a firm conviction that it is VERY WRONG to bark, have emotional outbursts and misbehave like that!
The best proof of that conviction underneith is this part:
"I have a sense that if I am seen as a person who enters a lot of conflict with others that I am somehow a failure and not living my life with “right action” because conflict wouldn’t happen if I was."
So... you are a failure when you have this personality... hm...
Thank god you didn't turn out like that - you are the "peace maker", huh? The good guy... So all that ugly, bad stuff is better to let someone else carry for you!? We are all blessed with this type of projections... that's how they work! What we don't want to see in ourselves, we see in others and then we get negative feelings around them because they are irritatingly consistent in mirroring it back to us...
You are afraid "the person I have conflict with wouldn’t like me anymore"...
A rhethorical question, how does this sound?:
When I'm in a conflict I don't like myself.
It's bloody uncomfortable to admit if that would be the case here, which I'm only taking a chance at, but hey... you're on your way home!  And this type of inquiry is the best way to go! I admire your courage and honesty and willingness to dive into all the corners of your mind!
I'm sorry if you think I'm throwing suggestions on you that is not what you feel is true. I only write because you asked for feed-back, and I know you are heavily into Byron Katie's The Work! (Good for others to know as well who may read this post.) |
Edited by - emc on Oct 07 2008 2:18:02 PM |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2008 : 3:30:05 PM
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Hi Andrew
Thank you for making your inquiry public like this. Then we can all learn from it
I was just wondering about one issue.....
How are you when it comes to getting angry yourself?
I know I couldn't get properly angry for years. My natural anger was totally supressed when I grew up. It wasn't until I married and got kids that I had an environment that would make it ok for me to be angry. 12 years ago - when processing the cancer, one of the first things that came up was supressed anger. It took me at least 4 years to process it. I have never been physically abusive with anyone, but I have yelled at my ex husband a few times during the middle years of our 21 year long marriage. And I have yelled at my kids on some occations (not that it helped  ). Other than that I am pretty calm to begin with.
When the supressed anger was processed, the natural anger could surface. And then I had to learn how to express it in a non violent way. A part of this process was learning to watch it while it was rising inside.....and instead of acting on it ....I would be present with the energy itself until it faded of its own accord. Greater contact with inner silence made this easier and easier. This way I could continue the interaction with whomever I was with in a calm way and at the same time not supress what was going on inside (it took some training). If I was not capable of this I would have to say so...I mean say in a calm way that "I am angry now"...and then just take the time it took for it to settle.
The same witnessing can be done if it is fear that rises in you while somebody yells at you. You can sort of both witness their anger and your fear at the same time. Then you literally expose both them and yourself to awareness (silence). This always has a calming effect.
Of course....sometimes it is a total waste of time to continue a conversation with someone that is barking his/her head off. Then it is better to suggest to talk at a later time. This wish can also be expressed in a non violent way......Of course, if this is someone who will always yell at you when contradicted then it is necessary to be quiet firm and assert your natural strength. Not as in yelling....just as in being really clear that whatever is taking place is not ok to continue.
All this may be totally off topic for you....but I just thought I'd mention it.
Since it is basically anger that is what you meet in the people in the situations you told of.
Thanks again for sharing, Andrew, it is much appreciated
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2008 : 3:34:29 PM
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| We just crossed posted, emc |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2008 : 4:10:53 PM
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Oct 07 2008 : 11:21:15 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by CarsonZi
This is why I wanted to jump in here....I understand that there needs to be a balance between shying away from conflict and proper expression of oneself, as well as a healthy desire for the truth but without being arguementative, but is it just a matter of picking one's battles better or is it something more then that? Any suggestions? I promise I will try not to argue
In Love,
CarsonZi
Hi Carson, thanks for your post.
This is a great question but a hard one to answer. I can only speak from my own experience that I always listen to my heart in these matters. It is the times I don't that lead to frustration when I don't express myself, as my original post in this thread shows.
So instead of trusting to mental strategies, I tune inwards into my feeling center in my heart to what's suggested there. There are certainly times when anger wells up or some other emotion that overwhelms my heart center and makes that inner intuition or inner voice drowned out. In these situations if I have the option, I often take the time to let my emotional reactions pass before I act. A deep breath if you will or a walk before I tackle a difficult issue to ensure I don’t go “reactive”.
The best answer is really that as the inner silence increases, the avenue to act or the way to act becomes much more clear. I don’t think it is a question of shying away, but rather choosing the right moment to act in the most appropriate way. Every situation is unique, so requires a "in the moment" response and inner silence helps us see what that is and guides us to make the most appropriate choices.
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Oct 08 2008 : 12:03:46 AM
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Anthem,
As I was reading the beginning of your post, I was answering my own question the same way you did at the end. I don't know if that makes sense the way I'm saying it, but as I read the beginning of your posting, I realized the answer to my own question which you then stated later in your post. Synchronicities. Beautiful. It really IS about silence in action isn't it. Reacting withing a base of silence. THAT is "right action". I am starting to understand this with my heart now, not just with my head, and now I just need to put it into action. Thank you for opening this post, and sharing so intimitely with us all, it has helped me to realize a block I had, and hopefully now I can begin to start overcoming it. Please remind me of this post in the future should I start to seem argumentative. Thank you.
In Love,
CarsonZi |
Edited by - CarsonZi on Oct 08 2008 12:06:25 AM |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Oct 08 2008 : 12:22:13 AM
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Thank you apachechief, emc and Katrine for your posts. Very appreciated.
When I wrote the first post, I was being general but the ability to look at this issue closely and the reason for my original post was triggered recently by an incident with an individual at work. This individual has many similar characteristics to the way my father behaved when I was young, so initially I thought it was the behaviour and temper I feared. After looking more closely, emc really hit it on the head when she mentioned approval issues. This posting has helped me realize that this is really what it comes down to at least in this situation, this person has been a source of constant approval for me over many years and I think this is the loss I feared, that he would be disappointed with me if I challenged his behavior and no longer approve. At work it has always been exceptionally important to me to have the approval of others.
As I inquire more closely I can recall an incident not too long ago where I stood in the face of an even more violent manifestation of that personality type and wasn't moved a bit by the gale force winds of temper that were flying in my direction. The sporting arena can be a beautiful amplifier to face issues like these. So though I don't love confronting that personality type, I do it when necessary, the big fear factor for me this time around was the feared loss of approval.
quote:
"Similar personalities to this individual tweak this response in me - - -that blustery, barking personality with the fragile ego - - - people who I perceive don’t handle it well, who jump up and down and get very emotionally charged - - - people who are acting inappropriately towards me"
Yes emc, lot's of good material for self-inquiry here, I definitely jumped up and down, internally at least, about my co-workers behaviour. My behaviour was also inappropriate in that I have not addressed issues with this individual in the past when I knew I should. It came back to haunt me, as by letting it slide, it had worse repercussions for me than if I had dealt with it the first time around properly.
It's really hard for me to judge some of your points in your second post in myself emc, I look closely, I don't feel there is some running away from the issue as I pretty much jumped in and confronted the issue as it presented itself. I just detect a strong reluctance to express my full anger at this person for fear of damaging the relationship, so I see the approval issue as being the closest to the mark. Some of it may have been there, hard for me to say, once these blocks start to dissipate, it's hard to put your finger on what was actually there and what wasn't seen clearly as it changes so quickly as the issue falls away.
I will definitely look more closely at the idea that it is inappropriate behaviour, that is a judgement of mine for sure. In this case this co-workers behaviour would have been socially unacceptable but not necessarily wrong from a more spiritual or non-dual perspective.
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Thank god you didn't turn out like that - you are the "peace maker", huh? The good guy... So all that ugly, bad stuff is better to let someone else carry for you!?
Don't worry emc, I certainly prefer peaceful outcomes when possible, but it isn't always what comes out or what best suits the situation. We are all, all of it, the good the bad and the ugly too. We have all had a turn at all of it over countless lifetimes and in this lifetime too.
I really appreciate your efforts and will inquire with those things that stand out. The more I do, the more comfortable I get in my own skin!
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Oct 08 2008 : 02:24:21 AM
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I'm glad if some of the feed-back could be of any help.
I'm off for some deep inquiry myself now for a couple of weeks on a retreat. This topic is an inspiriation!
All the best to you, Andrew!
Love, emc |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Oct 08 2008 : 10:58:27 AM
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I was just wondering about one issue.....
How are you when it comes to getting angry yourself?
Hi Katrine thanks for your reply.
I don't mind anger or think it is something that shouldn't happen, I actually find it a valuable inner guide. It speaks to me and I listen, I feel it and as you mention, as the inner silence has increased over the years so has my ability to express it non-violently.
In my years in the competitive sporting environment, I had to learn to channel my anger into productive means, my fear too, fortunately I had a coach who wouldn't let me deny any of these aspects of the human existence. I think a lot of that experience and of course all the sitting practices creates space between the rising emotions and my perception of them allowing for calm to be pervading and also the ability to not identify with them.
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The same witnessing can be done if it is fear that rises in you while somebody yells at you. You can sort of both witness their anger and your fear at the same time. Then you literally expose both them and yourself to awareness (silence). This always has a calming effect.
I agree.
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Of course....sometimes it is a total waste of time to continue a conversation with someone that is barking his/her head off. Then it is better to suggest to talk at a later time. This wish can also be expressed in a non violent way......Of course, if this is someone who will always yell at you when contradicted then it is necessary to be quiet firm and assert your natural strength. Not as in yelling....just as in being really clear that whatever is taking place is not ok to continue.
Yes I agree it is important to express this. I also have recently come to observe that you can repeat things only so often to people who choose behaviours you aren't in agreement with, particularly in the work environment, but eventually after a reasonable amount of effort, just acknowledging that it is the way they are and working with it (or around it) removes the frustration with their actions.
Thank you for your post Katrine, very appreciated.
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HathaTeacher
Sweden
382 Posts |
Posted - Oct 13 2008 : 4:22:58 PM
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Hi Anthem and Katrine,
Thank you for very honest posts.
I've had a similar tendency before. Clearly, there's a difference between an ashram life (no point in external conflicts) and everyday life where a conflict can become inevitable; a similar kind of difference can even menace a couple: if you go for a daily practice that induces peace and spirituality but your partner doesn't, you suddenly find yourself giving in, on all issues.
Nothing wrong with peace-makers, they're in short supply in this world, but I try to work and respect my edge: I listen to my gut feeling to distinguish a "no big deal" give-in situation from one where conflict is the right way to a peace of mind. Over the last couple of years, I've tried to be a peace builder rather than peace maker: I explain my position upfront - be convenient or not, rather than having conflicts later because of somebody's unfounded expectations (prevention better than cure); it makes conflicts shorter and less emotional as there's much less disappointment on either side.
A hint from professional peace negotiators (b.t.w., this one goes well together with "witnessing") is meta communication: trying to see both partys from "outside" and commenting on the negotiation/quarrel itself; in conflicts with my teenagers a few years ago, this often paved the way to humour. Joking about the situation also hi-lights the difference between a role (parent, teen ... ) and a person, yet without losing the contact with your feelings. Of course jokes don't work with everybody, but they're true magic where they do. |
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Self inquiry on conflict- help appreciated
