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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
 Posted - May 29 2007 : 10:15:11 AM
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Hi All
The back injury I told you about here:
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....OPIC_ID=2417
turns out to be a pivotal experience for me. As the weeks have gone by, and I am almost restored physically (I do designed exercises several times a day - to stabilize the lower back) – the breach of trust in reality that I have suffered from, reveals itself. Everything is interconnected. I already "know this" – but the depth of this knowledge is....limitless.....bottomless. And I have just touched the upper layers. Everything in this issue relates to one thing:
Support
I have suffered from the illusion that I support myself. Most of what I have undertaken in life bears witness to this. Very hard work, perfectionism, strict disciplin etc. But as the purification process peels the layers of "clutter" within the nervous system, I am slowly (and sometimes abruptly and painfully) brought face to face with the illusion of self support. You know....the conviction that everything stands and falls because of me.
In recent years, life has revealed that everything stands and falls in spite of me. After this somewhat mouth-shutting realization....well, I have swam around in a sort of void. Not that I don’t yearn for Truth, Love, Clarity. Not that I don’t experience these. I do. And the Bakhti is ever increasing. But.......in between.......these periods (long or short) of Grace, I forget. I fall down to the conceptual way of living my life.
The incident with the back.......to put it simply, I discovered that I have wanted spiritual realization for me. There has been a breach in understanding.....I know Love is. I know Presence is here. And yet – part of my life is lived as if THIS didn’t exist. Talking – through wonderful posts in this forum – with all you wonderful people here who walk the talk in different ways.......you have all helped me tremendously. You have helped me come to terms with this inner non-integration.
Some weeks ago there was a shift. Suddenly – in a shock of insight – I saw the breach. I have wanted everything for me. As i once said somewhere here..."I am not here to save the world; I am here to be all of me". All my power, whatever there is of intelligence......the love....the clarity – you name it – I have wanted it for me. It is.....quite a pill to swallow. But – once the medicine is taken......well, everything ……opens up. And in the opening .....light flows in.....and in this light (I sense it – I don’t see it) I can finally give all of me away. Everything bad or good – I can bear to look at it......and then – without guilt – I give it to the Presence. You see – I have not known where to place myself......all this egoism. Or the wonderful experiences. I give them away too. Since i (ego) am not killable (I tried that for years, it didn’t work).....I had to find a way to learn to live with me.
So this is it. Since the unveiling of the breach, I see myself.......many, many times a day I see myself; but since I can now give it away to the Presence (I pray every time for it to take it and do with it as it wants).......it does not stain me with guilt. I do not linger on myslef anymore (if i can put it that way...)It pains me to see myself. It is a sore, sore pain....but at the same time, this pain is cleaning up my act.....it makes it harder and harder to repeat the ....selfish actions. This is the only way I can clear myself.
This is probably a ridiculously simple "method".....most of you have probably seen this long ago......but for me, it changes everything.
Everything.
The most important.....timbre.....hue...that this creates within me, is the fact that I now know – with every fibre of my being – that spiritual realization is not for me. It is for Love, Presence and Clarity. In love to love. This is such a tremendously different perspective......I lay myself down......I cry.....but at the same time, I am consciously more supported than I have ever been in my life.
The issue of fear is strong right now. Because.....when the simplicity and stunning fact of what Support really is, is revealed, then the facing of the fact that I don’t control anything unveils an obvious, catastrophic vulnerability and insecurity within the core of my identity. The me is found out. And it freaks out. But since I am able to really pray now....and can thus view it within the sound of the light, ...it is somehow ok. I am carried through it......someone else is in charge; and I feel like a very small child......just beginning to fully understand that I have an ever present parent that will never, ever not support me – if I only let it. The ocean is always here for me to float in. I pray that one day this Support will find its way through me to all I encounter in my life. So that others may also find their inner preciousness.
One more thing:
The "fear of the fear" spoken about here:
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....&whichpage=3
is simply the issue of the imagined self support versus the real support. This fear is pivotal. It is only healthy in that it reveals the true state of things. It is only detrimental to ignorant concepts – not to life. Not to life  
I can never, ever die from it!
This is fantastic.
It makes me cry.
It makes me sing.
So I just had to tell you.
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Kyman
530 Posts |
Posted - May 29 2007 : 5:28:51 PM
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2007 : 12:55:53 AM
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beautiful Katrine,
I've noticed how our paths and understandings are quite different. This is another example.
Although I understand what you wrote, the dynamic i have been working on seems almost completely opposite! I am becoming much stronger and effective in my life because of realizing that I have to do it all; all the focusing, all the consistency of practice (AYP and other stuff I'm working on), all the bhakti etc. This is useful for me because of years of low self esteem causing me to focus outside myself and on other people, weakening myself.
Ironic, huh?
At the same time I am developing a sense that I am just watching it all, and yet I somehow feel better watching as I am being healed. |
Edited by - Etherfish on May 30 2007 08:07:17 AM |
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bewell
1275 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2007 : 10:01:36 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Katrine
In recent years, life has revealed that everything stands and falls in spite of me. After this somewhat mouth-shutting realization....well, I have swam around in a sort of void. Not that I don’t yearn for Truth, Love, Clarity. Not that I don’t experience these. I do. And the Bakhti is ever increasing. But.......in between.......these periods (long or short) of Grace, I forget. I fall down to the conceptual way of living my life.
The incident with the back.......to put it simply, I discovered that I have wanted spiritual realization for me.
Hi Katrine,
I too am aware of my personal dispensability. I practiced it recently by doing a disappearing act: After giving notice and getting a blessing from my lover, I traveled out on a Greyhound bus sixty-day pass. That was from February 19 to April 20, 2007. It was amazing how well life went on without me.
Now I'm back "home," physically healthy, and financially debt free. I'm aware that I'm dispensable, but I'm here eating, taking up space, and using electricity. I'm giving in small ways: Offering affection and respect to my lover; serving breakfast and supper. It is a pleasant life for "me."
But I feel I'm getting sluggish, less alert and alive. Last night I sat back during my evening meditation period and fell asleep. Bummer.
The problem is to find a mission of service for others. I need a mission. me need mission.
Bewell
PS. I find this inspirational:
https://soulflares.org/index.php?ma...ducts_id=286 |
Edited by - bewell on May 30 2007 10:32:23 AM |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2007 : 10:44:03 AM
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Hi Katrine,
quote:
You see – I have not known where to place myself......all this egoism. Or the wonderful experiences. I give them away too. Since i (ego) am not killable (I tried that for years, it didn’t work).....I had to find a way to learn to live with me.
Me too! Making peace with my ego/ mind, I have changed my perspective with it, no longer enemies with the thoughts about things I don’t like. I love my ego/ mind, it points me unfailingly in the direction I want to go, by pointing out when my thinking goes in the wrong direction by giving me pain. The emotional pain is my best friend, it’s very existence is an act of love, helping me to stay on the path without suffering. The moment a thought comes along that causes me pain, it is a call to me to look closely and to see why I would believe a thought that takes me into suffering. When I meet the thoughts with understanding, they are free to go and to also not come between me and those I interact with.
quote:
It pains me to see myself. It is a sore, sore pain....
But why? We (human beings) are so beautiful on the inside, always doing the best we can with who we are and the things we believe. It's all just misdirected love for ourselves and we want to be free of our painful disconnect.
quote:
but at the same time, this pain is cleaning up my act.....it makes it harder and harder to repeat the ....selfish actions. This is the only way I can clear myself.
I agree whole-heartedly with this, to me this is a reason to love the pain for its message, it is a gift to help us find our way back home.
quote:
That spiritual realization is not for me. It is for Love, Presence and Clarity.
I see this too, spiritual realization for me is for the love of realizing the spirit.
Here’s one Yogani may not like :
Self realization comes when Nothing “happens”….
This part he may like more:
Nothing “happens” more and more as we clear ourselves out. Sitting practices and enquiry are the best ways I know of to clear ourselves out.
Only now exists and even that is questionable…
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2007 : 10:47:16 AM
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Hi Ether
It is good that you are collecting yourself. You need all of you to see you.
We may be not so different . I too focuse on "others" and "outside".
This "laying myself down" that I am talking about is not......it is not that i don't act.....but it is rather seeing that nothing is because of me. Nothing. And the weakness this leaves me as... incredibly enough gives birth to an immense strength. I swim in strength....in spite of myself.
Your sense of watching yourself is very crucial. Keep watching. And don't judge what you see.
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2007 : 10:56:58 AM
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Hi Bewell
Your Greyhound trip sounded wonderful.
quote:
The problem is to find a mission of service for others. I need a mission. me need mission
Yes...
That's like me saying "I need an outlet".
I know how this longing feels, bewell.
I may be naive......but so far, all points to the fact that the mission will find me. I need one too, you see. But then.....somehow....I already am a mission. My job right now is to open, and open some more (to be the outlet).....so that when the mission finally spills over into "outer life"......I will naturally be ready for it and accept it.
I don't know. This may be a dream. Time will tell.
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2007 : 11:06:27 AM
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Hi Andrew
I wrote quote:
It pains me to see myself. It is a sore, sore pain....
And you said:
quote:
But why? We (human beings) are so beautiful on the inside, always doing the best we can with who we are and the things we believe. It's all just misdirected love for ourselves and we want to be free of our painful disconnect
I think maybe the quality of the sore pain is different from the emotional....educating pain.
The sorenes......is a great sadness. It fills my heart.......I am so sad that I am capable of doing what i am doing. Luckily....the shame is gone. But I am sad when i see the state of things. If i refuse this sadness.....I won't feel the Joy either. Can't tell you how I know this.....but this is what it is like. As such....the sadness is as deep as the love. I think I must accept it. It is part of what life is about.
However - since I swim in Support......the sadness is bearable. And the Support is overwhelming. It takes my breath away. And I cry of Joy. |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2007 : 11:34:53 AM
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Hi Katrine,
quote:
I think maybe the quality of the sore pain is different from the emotional....educating pain.
The sorenes......is a great sadness. It fills my heart.......I am so sad that I am capable of doing what i am doing. Luckily....the shame is gone. But I am sad when i see the state of things. If i refuse this sadness.....I won't feel the Joy either. Can't tell you how I know this.....but this is what it is like. As such....the sadness is as deep as the love. I think I must accept it. It is part of what life is about.
However - since I swim in Support......the sadness is bearable. And the Support is overwhelming. It takes my breath away. And I cry of Joy.
Sound like you have found a beautiful way that works for you.
You say here:
I am so sad that I am capable of doing what i am doing.
It's funny, the further I go along the path the more I become aware of all kinds of "mini-violences" I inflict on others (and myself) unwittingly. Yesterday's normal interaction is no longer acceptable today as I see the defensiveness or the oh so subtle attack in my behaviours and words.
Ironically, my clumsy living is a gift for others too. If they believe what I say and hurt, it is a message for them to find out why. I am, even in my ignorance, helping them to find their way home too. Of course there are other "friendlier" ways to do it, but all of it really leads back home. We bounce off each other, this is how we learn, I allow myself the freedom to screw-up and fail, this is how I learn.
A
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Edited by - Anthem on May 30 2007 11:36:24 AM |
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Babaly
USA
112 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2007 : 7:51:41 PM
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Wow Katrine,
that is what I have been experiencing but I did not become aware of it until I read your post. It has been perculating the last while. I identify so completely with your post....back pain and all:-) Katrine, thanks for writing it down.... it is invaluable to me....
The whole idea of support has been such an underlying issue in my life....and my reasons for my spiritual work etc.,
I have to go on and meditate on what you wrote...
thanks again, oh btw.... what excercises are you doing for your back? :-)
Babaly |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - May 30 2007 : 10:39:51 PM
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Katrine wrote:
quote:
This "laying myself down" that I am talking about is not......it is not that i don't act.....but it is rather seeing that nothing is because of me. Nothing. And the weakness this leaves me as... incredibly enough gives birth to an immense strength. I swim in strength....in spite of myself.
This is where I'm quite different. When I sometimes see that nothing is because of me, then I lose motivation and effectiveness in my life. I still do things for other people just because i am capable, but i ignore everything that is of benefit to myself in the long run. I neglect everything around me, and don't care for myself. I'm perfectly comfortable living that way, but it is not as "alive". If instead I focus on the future, and do things for myself because I know they are good for me in the future, life becomes much more full. I feel like my body is my pet, and if I take good care of my pet, we have a better relationship.
it's the "impeccability" tha Castaneda wrote about. A good warrior is impeccable. It's not for ego reasons, but it's just something I do because I've found it to be a good path to follow. Just like meditating. I don't do it for results; I just think it's a good path. My life is full of things like that. Things that seem to bring no rewards, but I do them anyway.
quote:
Your sense of watching yourself is very crucial. Keep watching. And don't judge what you see.
No that would be impossible. The part of me that watches doesn't think.
I really don't have any control over that part of me. Sometimes I'm watching for no reason while I sleep, sometimes during the day. I love it when I become the watcher while exercising because it makes the exercising effortless. |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2007 : 07:41:46 AM
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I've been thinking about this, and the difference may be just in words. I do feel the support of God, in the sense that he seems to provide what I need no matter what happens, and although things don't go the way i'd like, they always seem to work out perfectly. Maybe that's what Katrine means by "In spite of me".
The other side of the coin is what I meant by "because of me". i know the world would go on without me and nobody would know the difference if I was gone in a second.
But God keeps putting me in situations where i know I have to be there, and that nobody else can do what i was put there for.
It's ironic. It's not really an ego boost because my ego is not overly happy to be doing those things, but i know I'm in exactly the right place, doing exactly the right thing at the time. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2007 : 08:03:53 AM
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Hi Ether
quote:
The other side of the coin is what I meant by "because of me". i know the world would go on without me and nobody would know the difference if I was gone in a second.
I forget too.
See........everything is interconnected. You are not here "at random". You are here....right in the middle of a .......tapestry. So.......even if the world would go on without you; the knowing of it will be here. You will be missed, Ether. There will be a vacant spot. One thread in the tapestry will be missing. There will be consequences if you are not here
quote:
But God keeps putting me in situations where i know I have to be there, and that nobody else can do what i was put there for
Exactly. He runs the show. In spite of us. He can do that.
But no wonder he is so thrilled when we surrender to his weaving. Then everything is possible right now.
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 01 2007 : 08:13:25 AM
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Hi Babaly
quote:
I have to go on and meditate on what you wrote...
thanks again, oh btw.... what excercises are you doing for your back? :-)
Just normal strength increasing exercises (I use a sling....or if at home, on the bed or on a floor mat). To help develop the small muscles between the vertebraes and also to increase the strength of the muscles in the sacroiliac region. Go see a good practioner (physiotherapist etc), Babaly. I am no good in this kind of coaching (Also ....must be done in person...not over the internet)
I am glad the post resolved something for you. It did for me too
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Jun 04 2007 : 11:10:42 PM
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Hi Katrine
Thanks for your great post, sorry for being a bit late in coming in.
The aspect of support is prevalent in my life also and much of what you say rings a bell, thank you for being so focused and naked in your analysis of it.
Love and light
Louis |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 05 2007 : 05:48:59 AM
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Thank you for chiming in, Louis
May our bells ring forever |
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