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Kyman
530 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 07 2006 : 11:14:24 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
quote:
Originally posted by Kyman
During this time I started meditating for the first time in over 13yrs. It was easy. I just layed in bed, and I was meditating naturally.
Around 8 months later I read autobiography of a yogi. I heard about the inner body, read about this strange inner world. Then I asked god to show me the way, that I sincerely wanted to develop myself this way.
Thank you for sharing this Kyman. That was indeed inspiring...
Just one question... you said meditation came naturally to you right? Did you know about it before or were you introduced to meditation before or did you read it up somewhere? Or did this state of bliss just naturally take you into meditation?
"autobiography of a yogi"...... was my saviour too.. got me looking..
When I was a boy my father moved beyond his illnesses/dependencies and became involved with buddhism. At this point he started meditating, and would do so for the next few years. He made me get up with him every morning for a short time before school, which was a brief stint. It was just 5 min for me at first but I went up to 10 min. I recall falling asleep most of the time sitting there, but towards the end, it got easier. And the very last time we did that was the best meditation I had, timeless.
I had no inkling of understanding of that but my entire personality was revolutionized. There was a lot of pain and chaos early on. Made me a very selfish, mean, and destructive child. But almost overnight I changed, and became the sharing type at school.
The method was stare at the wall as best I could without losing focus.
After that point I never did it again until after I turned 23. And it was easy because I was completely immersed into the observation of mind. I was actually not able to come out of the meditation. People around me didn't understand me. I was terribly frustrating to those who's moods were typically negative.
You know what's sad? The girl who pursued me so long allowed me to fall in love with her. While in love my whole self was conceived. But...once my joy emerged and I wasn't depressed and sad (blissful is a strong contrast), she didn't know how to relate to me. I wasn't like her father anymore, who a very dependent person too. Wasn't long before she was repulsed by me, on an unconscious level. She just couldn't relate. Her identity lost its counter-part, zack's ego. Zack's ego dissappear for those three months. Co-dependency, especially on an emotional level, was impossible. I even told her things like, I can't make you happy, only you can. If this doesn't last so what, we aren't there yet. Lets make sure it does by making the best moments, etc.
One time, and I will never ever forget this. I was taken over by that one and only, indescribable sense of bliss, and she didn't understand. I wasn't acting weird, just talking inspirationally, telling her how good this feels, trying to spark her interest. I kept saying, honey I wish you could feel this with me.
Later on we had an fight about tensions building up, and there was a release. We talked about perspective while laying in bed. I looked at her said I just wish you could see things like I do, and a tear rolled down my cheek. She brushed off from my face, along with the profound unconditional love in me that so wanted to induct her. That never happened. If she only knew who told her, 'I love you' that night. I will post one or two poems that I wrote for her during this time, that she did not really appricate or understand.
I remember when the internet first came out, I was young. I was looking on the internet about all kinds of stuff. I saw stuff on the kundalini. I actually set up a candle in my room and tried to rise the kundalini. It didn't work, and there was never attempt again. Shortly after a depression, much like my childhood before my father grew up, took over my mind. I was nihlistic, hurting so bad for the world, crying at the thought of it all. Then the accidents.
This depression went on till my 23rd year, when I finally fell in love fully, and let go of the past. Once the past was clear, my mind collapsed into emptiness.
I strongly feel there is past life sense to this, beacuse I always was like this, even as a boy. I would be mean and not know why. I felt so bad that I was mean. Abusive to other kids, to my pets, to my parents. Being a boy that young, you don't realize you are immitaing your environments. You hit others cuz you learned from getting hit. I thought I was mean bad evil boy.
You see, it is only because I had so much chaos and pain through my 23yrs, coupled with the inability to cope with and relieve stress. I was like a bottle of pop, shook and shook till the pressure finally blew.
It was easy to let go of my ego, because most of the time it thought it was ugly, stupid, inferior, worthless, etc.
It seems to me that all those conditions were fertile grounds for an awakening. No matter how hard things were, I am eternally thankful. I love me, this world.
Feels real good to get these things out. Its almost like I am putting my life into a richer perspective as I talk about it all. I really LOVE you guys listening to me. You are my people. Only you guys can truly relate to what I am saying, acknowledge my existence, and my rebirth into my whole self. |
Edited by - Kyman on Oct 07 2006 11:27:32 PM |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Oct 08 2006 : 12:00:50 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Kyman
People around me didn't understand me. I was terribly frustrating to those who's moods were typically negative.
You know what's sad? The girl who pursued me so long allowed me to fall in love with her. While in love my whole self was conceived. But...once my joy emerged and I wasn't depressed and sad (blissful is a strong contrast), she didn't know how to relate to me. I wasn't like her father anymore, who a very dependent person too. Wasn't long before she was repulsed by me, on an unconscious level. She just couldn't relate. Her identity lost its counter-part, zack's ego. Zack's ego dissappear for those three months. Co-dependency, especially on an emotional level, was impossible. I even told her things like, I can't make you happy, only you can. If this doesn't last so what, we aren't there yet. Lets make sure it does by making the best moments, etc.
One time, and I will never ever forget this. I was taken over by that one and only, indescribable sense of bliss, and she didn't understand. I wasn't acting weird, just talking inspirationally, telling her how good this feels, trying to spark her interest. I kept saying, honey I wish you could feel this with me.
Later on we had an fight about tensions building up, and there was a release. We talked about perspective while laying in bed. I looked at her said I just wish you could see things like I do, and a tear rolled down my cheek. She brushed off from my face, along with the profound unconditional love in me that so wanted to induct her. That never happened. If she only knew who told her, 'I love you' that night. I will post one or two poems that I wrote for her during this time, that she did not really appricate or understand.
Hi Zack,
That was once again a beautiful.. from your heart ..post. Thank you for sharing this.
This post has brought up some questions in me... its like you were living my life.. but characters and incidents are different.. I am going to make another topic of this.. I have some questions..
Thank you again Zack.
-Shweta.
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Scott
USA
969 Posts |
Posted - Oct 08 2006 : 12:39:40 PM
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Zack,
It's great to read about your life. You're a strong and courageous person. |
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Kyman
530 Posts |
Posted - Oct 08 2006 : 7:22:35 PM
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For so long I refused to believe any such thing. It is only now that I have sense of worth about myself. Thank you, Scott.
Does anyone feel that they have things still clouding there mind, things that have been figured out? It is terribly difficult to see one's self, and because I am a very solitary person I have fewer oppurtunities to learn about myself by engaging with others.
My brother often tells me that I have no idea what I can be in my life. He says you don't know until you do it.
It is still a big mystery to me, my future, which is how it's supposed to be I guess, haha. The only sense I have is a warm one, which comes from within.
Anyone ever hear that when they near there 28-30yr age there is usually a change of course in their life?
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