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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
 Posted - Sep 28 2006 : 06:24:49 AM
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Hi All
Staying home is educating. When I don't roam about, home is able to touch me. The intelligence of home is......there is no word for it. Although I see nothing (except the shine), what I used to call "my life" is dropping away.....like dead leaves falling off a tree. Physically, I have not moved an inch, and yet.....the difference of quality here now is immense.
I always used to struggle with "how to" achieve what I came to know as "spiritual goals". It has taken me years to understand that if I am fragmented, no "part" of me can ever "achieve" integration. If I identify with any content of consciousness; I am at once a fragment. It is so simple, and yet so arduous to understand. The conditioning of the mind is so deep; so....opaque. So rigid. Everything "out there"; if solely depended on, if invested in; robs me of freedom. F.ex: I carried the notion that I was intelligent. Smart. My cleverness was reflected back to me again and again over the years. Yet - it never made me happy. On the contrary - it made me dependent on my intellect. I sold my heart in pursuit of intelligence. To "regain" it - I had to realize that I was broken hearted. Devestated. Tired to the bone.
From then on, home could leave its imprint. And today....Now.....it matters not what the mind contains. "Good" or "bad"......all that matters is that all is seen. When I see all of mind....I no longer identify. F.ex: When I see the shame and guilt in me (and the fear it engenders) - in that instant.... shame, guilt and fear are objects in the space I am. In the instant the shine (awareness) touches those objects....they dissolve in the space I am. Shame, guilt and fear only appear as such when "darkened" (i.e. kept out of awareness) with the false knowledge that I am it.
Before the post "Stay home"......before that satsang...I still thought I could do it. I tried to do it myself. I tried "to do" staying home. Well....not only can't it be done, it is not necessary to do it. Staying home is vacant of me. It can only be. And it already is.
I tried to be aware of awareness. But I can't be aware of it. I can only melt into it. So I stay quiet....and let the melting happen.
In this melting....things that used to mean a lot to me drop away. I am closing the clinic; I am leaving the ensemble I sing in. The mind doesn't understand blip of my actions these days....but what can it do?  . The dropping simply happens. I don't plan. I don't calculate. There is simply a......disinterest. I just see that what drops are the ways I fullfilled myself. The flight from the void in me. The fillers. Even the music...I love to sing. But the singing is free. It deserves freedom of expression. Right now....there are no poems either. I am quiet. What is next....is of no interest. All that matters is Now.
The work downtown is perfect....I have no time there to "be anybody". I enjoy it! More than I ever thought I would. So many beautiful people  And great colors all around me. It is physically tiring; which is good....the energy needs to be spent somehow....or else I'll explode.
It is a wonder that the nervous system can absorb - and survive - the energy that I bathe in. The presence....is so enormous. The chest is gradually....opening....welcoming more and more of it.
And all through this - I don't move. I live where I live. I am where I am. |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2006 : 08:07:51 AM
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Wonderful with your reports, Katrine!
I feel the energy in your text! I enjoy a lot and just absorb the message!
A question itching me is of course on the theme sexuality. Whatever happened to that one? What has happened to your old sexual preferences? How interesting are they? =) |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2006 : 09:17:37 AM
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Hi emc
quote:
A question itching me is of course on the theme sexuality. Whatever happened to that one? What has happened to your old sexual preferences? How interesting are they? =)
The whole "theme" of sexuality is.....splintered. The seams burst. The theme of sexuality used to be another filler. A comfort. A release. Now I have no preferences. I dream of noone. The theory of sex - or love, for that matter - is not interesting anymore. No theory is. Only what is here now. Only what I taste now. Only the ever exploding energy. Sex - as a natural expression of love - is all over the place, all the time. It is a constant orgasm; forever exploding out of the stillness.
Nothing compares.
Yet - all of this happens because I gradually came to terms with the sexuality we all sprung out from. Life energy is sex energy. No difference at all. So - it is with sex energy as with all the other objects in space. It needs to be seen and understood. And in order to see it, I must allow it. All the way. I am a sexual being. I love. Yet - right now - I experience all the sex I could ever dream of; all the love I can ever imagine. Totally independent of any man.
Nothing compares.
The "theme of sexuality" is only "interesting" as long as it is limited to the sex organs. When it travels upwards - it ceases to be the theme of sexuality. It is - now and forever - the theme of Life. The theme of love. One singular song.
Again - nothing compares. |
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Balance
USA
967 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2006 : 11:14:47 AM
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"Wake up!!!!"
"Sshhh! Quiet now, You're yelling at myself again!"
You're so sexy Katrine! Luv ya!
Alan |
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Kyman
530 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2006 : 1:04:04 PM
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It's certain a neat moment, Katrine, when a life long habit just dies off, effortlessly.
What was once a hurdle, cracking into our shins and sending us helplessly to the ground, now waves encouragingly as we float right over.
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Sep 28 2006 : 10:12:19 PM
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| How does your husband react to your changes? |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Sep 29 2006 : 09:49:16 AM
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Hi Katrine, wonderful post.
quote:
what I used to call "my life" is dropping away.....like dead leaves falling off a tree.
I love this, its something I have been aware of also, first in dropping the concept of a soul and then my own personal identity and more and more bits and pieces, it gets infectious.
I seem to be able to go so far with this and then become aware of my external life i.e. the clutter in my office, unfinished jobs around the place, poor eating habits etc. and it feels like these or some of them have to be dealt with in order to drop another few leaves off the tree.
So by surrendering more and more internally my life seems like it has to become more simple and less cluttered.
quote:
In this melting....things that used to mean a lot to me drop away. I am closing the clinic; I am leaving the ensemble I sing in. The mind doesn't understand blip of my actions these days....but what can it do? . The dropping simply happens. I don't plan. I don't calculate. There is simply a......disinterest.
At first when I read this I felt "what a shame to be giving up those things, especially your singing", and then the word disinterest kinked in and it seemed ok. I do remember that Brazilian chap Paulo Cohelo saying the one thing he regretted, in his past surrendering, was in giving up his friends.
Anyway Katrine your words are very inspiring and reach deep inside me, thank you again.
Louis
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2006 : 12:34:56 PM
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Katrine! Weeee! Your writings are SO valueable! It assures me that the glimpses I get are for real.
I have dropped horse back riding and my scrabble competitions. In fact, playing scrabble is a joke nowadays. I just get spiritual messages through the words I lay, or I manifest getting Z, the most horrible letter, out of fear of getting Z. *rotfl* And what would be the point in manifesting winning all the time by focusing on that? It has totally lost its value. It is fascinating, though, getting messages on the computer screen (as in Matrix) via letters received in the online scrabble game. That's the only reason I still play online sometimes. |
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Balance
USA
967 Posts |
Posted - Sep 30 2006 : 1:29:28 PM
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Katrine
We're waiting for you......... |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2006 : 12:31:35 PM
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Hi All
Ether wrote:
quote:
How does your husband react to your changes?
My husband has put up with me for 20 years now. He is a cliff. I have pitted myself against him a million times. I have blamed him for all my shortcomings, and also my heartache. He still stands. He is a terrific mirror. As for the rest.....you'll have to ask him that, Ether But I know this: He is the main reason I am now home.
Sparkle wrote:
quote:
At first when I read this I felt "what a shame to be giving up those things, especially your singing", and then the word disinterest kinked in and it seemed ok. I do remember that Brazilian chap Paulo Cohelo saying the one thing he regretted, in his past surrendering, was in giving up his friends.
Yes.....
I have not given up singing. I have given up the package "singing in the ensemble". "Doing concerts". "Being on stage". That sort of thing. I might sing again - I have no idea. But right now, there is inner singing instead.
And....I have no intention of giving up my friends. I don't have to. My friends (and "foes") are like my husband and my children. They are mirrors. As long as I have the courage to face myself in them, I am free of bondage.
As you say, Louis, the clutter is what is dropping. The hard part is this: When the clutter is gone, there is no escape. I face myself at the core. I see the futility of me. I see that all I do, I do for myself. And all I do for me alone is a waste of precious intelligence. I see self pitty. The pain of resisting the moment. The pain of escaping the moment (which is fear). The pain is emotional, but so strong that it is felt as physical pain.
In allowence of all that I contain; in not resisting the pain; in not fleeing the moment.....the ecstacy of being present shines through it all. Home makes everything right.
Balance wrote:
quote:
Katrine
We're waiting for you.........
Don't wait. I'm right here, am I not? |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2006 : 2:03:17 PM
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Katrine said:quote:
As you say, Louis, the clutter is what is dropping. The hard part is this: When the clutter is gone, there is no escape. I face myself at the core. I see the futility of me. I see that all I do, I do for myself. And all I do for me alone is a waste of precious intelligence. I see self pitty. The pain of resisting the moment. The pain of escaping the moment (which is fear). The pain is emotional, but so strong that it is felt as physical pain.
In allowance of all that I contain; in not resisting the pain; in not fleeing the moment.....the ecstacy of being present shines through it all. Home makes everything right.
Having read this now Katrine I feel physical pain all down the centre of my torso, just the thought of it gives me a pain he he!
What occurred to me when I read the above and often at other times is that ultimately we are utterly and totally alone with ourselves. When I rest in this and realise there is no escape the pain lessens.
A habit I have also, is that if there is too much pain I will eat to supress it. I know I need to bite the bullet (no pune intended )and just allow it to be, without resisting.
(guess I'll have to take it easy on the Guinness also )
Thanks for the impetus - let the pain rip 
Louis |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2006 : 11:44:23 PM
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Great insights in your posts (as always) Katrine, thank you for them.
quote:
As you say, Louis, the clutter is what is dropping. The hard part is this: When the clutter is gone, there is no escape. I face myself at the core. I see the futility of me. I see that all I do, I do for myself. And all I do for me alone is a waste of precious intelligence.
I especially like this part. I hope my mind gets bored of trying to justify myself to myself soon!
This may sound strange, but anyone notice that if you totally embrace your pain and relax into it that there is some ecstatic energy hidden inside of it?
A
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Balance
USA
967 Posts |
Posted - Oct 02 2006 : 11:50:00 PM
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Hello
Yes, I most definately have just recently begun to notice that. I think it is about one of the most powerful tools of transcendance and awakening available.
Through embracing your pain may you have unlimited Bliss, Alan |
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emc
2072 Posts |
Posted - Oct 03 2006 : 04:33:14 AM
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| Me too! I relax, see the pain, feel it, and stay in it, accepting it, seeing it for what it is. I am aware of why it is there and that it is not MY pain and it is definitely not a pain existing NOW. It belongs to the past. I can pick up memory after memory showing the causes of the pain, that created the pain-tracks. After a while the ease comes and with it new life - vital energy. It is as if it comes and washes the pain away. It brings clarity and relief. |
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Dropping
