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Babaly
USA
112 Posts |
 Posted - Jun 16 2006 : 02:34:37 AM
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Hi guys!
Hopefully some of you can help me.
The last few weeks, there have been quite a few situations that have happened that have made me angry. So much so that I often can't sleep:-(
So when another happened this evening and I find myself up again not able to sleep... I'm thinking... why am I so mad?
so I have begun to suspect it is the great Kundalini doing her house cleaning...
Have any of you experienced this?
What did you do to help yourselves?
Any thoughts?
Babaly |
Edited by - AYPforum on Feb 03 2007 01:01:14 AM |
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Jim and His Karma
2111 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2006 : 04:21:06 AM
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Please let us know what practices you're doing, and for how long. Anger, irritation, frustration, all these high-friction reactions generally are symptoms of overdoing. And my intuition tells me that's the case (though my intuition's not always right).
This path does NOT rile you up and put you in conflict with your world and relationships...unless you're doing something wrong. Such symptoms are never EVER a positive sign. Rather, they are a big fat red-lined warning that you need to back off and do less. Read Yogani's many lessons on self-pacing, which make this quite clear. |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2006 : 05:02:58 AM
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Hi Babaly
Thanks for sharing.
I agree with Jim that self-pacing is a clue here.
From my own process, I would also like to tell you that I have gained understanding from allowing the anger in stead of fighting it. I do not mean that you should act it out, but rather, when it engulfs you, stop whatever activity you are in (whether mental or physical) and watch it rising in your body. Allow it to surface (you need to be alone and left in peace ( ) for this) - usually the anger is a layer. Under it, is the real information - could be hurt; grief or pain of any sort. Allow that too - cry if you feel like it. It usually has to do with already exisiting "wounds" in you. Do not tell stories about what you feel, simply be with whatever is there. Eventually, understanding will "tick in". Maybe not the first time, or the second, but it will happen.....digit by digit.
Something in you is ready for this confrontation. Otherwise it would not have happened. If you, after this, still feel you are "drowning" in negative emotions - try balancing in any way (lifestyle, diet, grounding). And do reduce your practise time when needed.
quote:
I'm working so hard at finding peace and here I am mad as hell:-)
Working hard to find peace is contradictory, no? 
Peace need not be found. It is always here. It is the "working" (effort) that makes us miss it. Simply allow, Babaly. In relaxation lies peace. If you can't relax; allow that too. Don't fight it.
I wish you all the best!
May all your Nows be Here |
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Babaly
USA
112 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2006 : 10:48:52 AM
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Thanks Katrine and Jim,
Maybe I have been doing too much.....
10 min - spinal breathing in siddhasana, kechari and sambhavi
20 mins - deep meditation on srisri ayamayam in siddhasana, sambhavi and kechari
5 mins - the nine prayers
twice a day
+ amaroli
It's weird because I've also been incredibly happy during this time.
Last night I was upset when I wrote that post...
I've been going deeper in my practice than ever before and finding lovely stillness.... but then my reactions to situations are sometimes very intense.
So I backed off this morning and I'll go gently tonight.
Babaly |
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Victor
USA
910 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2006 : 2:31:24 PM
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| Is it possible that after your practice that you are no givng yourself enough transition time before engaging with others in the world? I find that i may have a beautiful feeling of peace and happiness from my practice but also a sensitivity that can linger afterwards for a bit during which time a seemingly small irritation can knock me off balance and bother me for awhile. Try to be attentive to the transitions and see if that helps |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 16 2006 : 3:07:33 PM
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Hi Babaly,
All good advice here.
Victor is right.. I have the same problem, if I don't rest enough after my practice I get irritated and angry all day. Esp. with the first enhancement.. remember.. you go in deep much slower.. but you have to come out of it much slower too.. So come out of meditation slowly and take rest for 3-5 mins.. Yogani even suggests if you need it, you can lie down for a bit.
Your practice does not seem like anything extreme..
10 min - spinal breathing in siddhasana, kechari and sambhavi
20 mins - deep meditation on srisri ayamayam in siddhasana, sambhavi and kechari
5 mins - the nine prayers
twice a day
+ amaroli
How long (in terms of days/months/years) have you been meditating and when did you add the first enhancement? Did you add anything other than amaroli in the last 10 days?
The shree goes to your crown.. this may also have something to do with anger... if you have just added the enhancement.. stick to it and see if it smooths out.. else it may be you are not yet ready for the enhancement. If you have been doing the shree mantra for some time now, then the enhancement is not your problem. Also, remember, amaroli is an addition to your practice.. so if you did add an enhancement and amaroli at the same time.. it would be considered adding 2 practices at once..
Do plenty of grounding stuff like physical exercise, walking.. You could also add a few light yoga asanas before spinal breathing.
Play around with your practice time.. Anthem has a good method.. cut each thing down by half.. so spinal breathing to 5 min, meditation to 10-15 min.. see if that helps. Once you are stable again.. you can go back to your normal time.
It may even be a passing phase, when you do get angry.. try what Katrine said, be with the feeling, don't associate with it.. just observe it.. if it is purification happening.. this may help it dissolve..
When I added my first enhancement.. I could feel flash anger during meditation.. not in my every day life though.. that's why I asked you when you added the first enhancement.
Just remember.. this too shall pass...
Hope you feel better soon.
PS:Any reason for not doing mulabandha? Just curiuos.. Don't add it right now.. remember, the only time you add something is when every thing else is smooth.. |
Edited by - Shanti on Jun 16 2006 3:59:16 PM |
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sadhak
India
604 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2006 : 06:26:24 AM
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Hi all,
Have been reading this thread keenly for answers to some of my quirks.  Have been drumming self-pacing into my noggin firmly since I began. I share Babably's loss of normal span of sleep (and how I love my sleep!).  Added are burning eyes, dry mouth, dizzyness (could it just be low BP in the heat), and yes, I admit to irritation (but I think that is a chronic state) and teeny weeny (Ok, more than that) bit of sluggishness. The past three times I entered a mall or mart, I got nausea, pain in the neck and head, and dizzyness. Till some days back, I was yawning tremendously throughout the sessions, even if I'd just woken up and bathed. Now it has reduced. I am unable to cut back what I'm doing. Which is 10 mins of spinal breathing in siddhasana, shambhavi, moolbandh and kechari, and 10 to 15 mins of ayam in siddhasana and kechari.
I was holding a hand mudra (chin + bhairavi) for the mantra part (used to doing it since some months)till yesterday; I tried to drop it last evening and this morning, but felt a strong pulse in my thumb and index finger, that compelled me to bring them together. I've added a four rounds of light rotations once a day before the spinal breathing since the past two days.
I hope you don't tell me to cut down to 5 mins... I would have barely begun! And the meditation itself is sooo much like cloud 9. |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2006 : 09:58:09 AM
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quote:
Sadhak said: Maybe I ought to drop Shambhavi... though I was already doing all these (moolbandh, kechari, shambhavi...but in different practice context), I should now be treating them as if I were doing it anew. The burning eyes maybe that
http://www.aypsite.org/forum/topic....ID=1224#8148
Hi Sadhak,
Yes self pacing helps a lot. I was doing a lot of the things before AYP.. and when I started AYP I decided to go ahead and keep it all.. big mistake. So the best thing to do would be to start with meditation 20 min. Then in 2-7 days add spinal breathing 10 min. Then in a few weeks add one thing at a time. That way you will know exactly what is causing trouble and you can either back off or slow down. Since you do know all of these things already, the reason to add one at a time is to make sure you know which one is adding what to your practice... that way you have better control. So in a month you may add everything back in.. and though it seems like you are losing out on a lot of time.. when you put it in the big picture of a lifetime.. it's not much... actually you maybe saving some time this way.
Hope things smooth out soon.. |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2006 : 12:52:36 PM
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Hi Sadhak,
I agree with Shweta's post, your symptoms suggest (especially the irritation) too much release, it could also be that you are getting up too quickly after practices without enough rest. From what you have written, it also sounds like you could be dehydrated, why don't you try increasing your water intake substantially first if you are reluctant to cut back your practice times? If that doesn't work then self-pacing seems to be in order.
If don't want to drop one of the mudras, see how you feel after cutting back your pranayama time to about 5 minutes. It doesn't have to be forever, just build it up more slowly over a few weeks and months to give your body the time it needs to adapt. Try adding one minute per week and monitor yourself for similar symptoms.
Good luck,
A
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sadhak
India
604 Posts |
Posted - Jun 17 2006 : 9:17:26 PM
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quote:
and though it seems like you are losing out on a lot of time.. when you put it in the big picture of a lifetime.. it's not much... actually you maybe saving some time this way.
Yeah Shweta, you've got it... reluctance to cut back comes from losing out on time somewhere back there. Knowing and realising and imbibing are three different things if the knowing is surface knowing. Anthem, I am resting sufficiently after each session... but yes, I'll pay attention to water intake. Tend to overlook simple things. BTW, Shweta, I've begun one of my old students on the AYP method, and he's doing well... noticing the difference. Which is considerable since he has umpteen serious physical problems. Made sure to pace him well. As you can see, I give advice by the buckets but take it by the grain. |
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Babaly
USA
112 Posts |
Posted - Jun 18 2006 : 5:33:31 PM
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Everyone thanks so much for your feedback:-)
Shanti:
You hit the nail on the head!!! You helped me figure it out:-)
I have not been resting after meditation..
I think because I've been meditating so long and I never rested after... I just forgot about that part:-0
So I started last night and did again this morning and things feel a little smoother... Thanks Shanti.
You are also right about it taking longer to dive deep on ShriShri Ayamayam so therefore it probabaly does take longer to come out.... so
Thanks everyone for your concern and help.
Happy Dad's Day,
Babaly |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 19 2006 : 08:27:49 AM
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Hi Babaly,
Actually it was Victor who pointed this out...
quote:
Victor said: Is it possible that after your practice that you are no givng yourself enough transition time before engaging with others in the world? I find that i may have a beautiful feeling of peace and happiness from my practice but also a sensitivity that can linger afterwards for a bit during which time a seemingly small irritation can knock me off balance and bother me for awhile. Try to be attentive to the transitions and see if that helps
I just elaborated on it.
Thanks Victor.
Its funny how small things make such a big difference...
But you are right.. "takes longer to dive deep on ShriShri Ayamayam so therefore it probabaly does take longer to come out".
I am glad things are better now. |
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Babaly
USA
112 Posts |
Posted - Jun 19 2006 : 12:41:30 PM
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OOps!!
Thanks Victor!!!
Babaly |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jun 19 2006 : 6:42:02 PM
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quote:
Shweta, I've begun one of my old students on the AYP method, and he's doing well... noticing the difference. Which is considerable since he has umpteen serious physical problems. Made sure to pace him well
Great job Sadhak.
Hey, I was reading Yogani's Great Big Book Of Everything.. (the AYP book) today and read chapter 219. He has talked about the things I said in my previous post.. but sooooo much better. read it to see why you need to start from the start and add one thing back at a time.
http://www.aypsite.org/219.html
Also on the less sleep problem you were having..
Read lesson#213 http://www.aypsite.org/213.html |
Edited by - Shanti on Jun 19 2006 6:45:25 PM |
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ranger
USA
45 Posts |
Posted - Jun 19 2006 : 6:56:05 PM
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It's my experience that meditation practice - almost any meditation practice - can start a "housecleaning" process that has a life of it's own. One metaphor is the catalyst in chemistry, which can start a reaction much bigger than what set it off. Another image is a Three Stooges episode like "A Plumbing We Will Go;" once the pickaxe hits the water main, you've got a whole new situation! To stretch this metaphor past the breaking point, once the water is gushing, "self-pacing" won't shut it down until the pipes are empty.
There are some very detailed descriptions of the process by Thomas Keating, using the terms of developmental psychology, and his practice of "Centering Prayer." He calls it "unloading the unconscious," where a lifetime's worth of traumas which were stored in the body, can break loose and float to the surface any time there is sufficiently deep relaxation. The interesting thing is that in contrast to AYP, which involves a (relatively) large amount of action by the meditator, in Centering Prayer, one is doing almost nothing, it is about as passive a practice as you can find.
I've experienced something like that at Zen sesshins, though I immediately answer myself with the observation that anybody goofy enough to sit and stare at a wall from 6am to 9pm deserves what he gets!
Regrding anger, I fully agree with the observation above, that it's almost always a secondary emotion, and the question is what's underneath it. Sometimes fear, an obvious illustration being the sequence of emotions after someone cuts you off on the freeway at 70mph.
Most often for me, when I'm angry, over a period of time (ie, not just an isolated event), there's a deep saddness underneath it. Years ago it took someone else to point that out to me, but knowing and watching for it makes the process of "disidentifying" from anger happen a lot faster.
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Babaly
USA
112 Posts |
Posted - Jun 20 2006 : 10:34:58 PM
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Thanks Everyone for your posts...I feel your love and care Katrine, Shanti, Anthem11, Sadhak, Ranger, Victor and Jim.
It's so amazing that you said that Ranger, as this morning I couldn't stop sobbing during meditation... I just feel so much longing for God.
I can't bare to not feel God all the time inside me and around me...
I think this is the deep sadness I am feeling under my anger and frustration.
I have moments of bliss but I feel such longing, such longing....
I am sure these are just kriyas that are purifying their way through me.
But I know what to do... just keep doing my practices every morning and night and one day?....:-)
Shanti, I've been meditating for 22 years (shaktipat, kriya yoga etc.,)... but in terms of AYP I have been doing this for 3 months. I added the 1st enhancement about 2 weeks ago....
I forgot to mention the mulabandha... yes, I do that during spinal breathing.
There's a part of me that felt like... I used to meditate for 7-8 hours a day in India... and that didn't make me crazy just very happy (though now I think about it - it totally changed and transformed my life.... so well emm).... so I was figuring.... hey 20 minutes is not going to kill me... and I think that's why I wasn't resting.... but this mantra is very powerful - the way everything works together as well...
I think it's a question of a few things.... 1. self-pacing. 2. not resting after meditation ( which I now do religiously) and 3. I'm housecleaning:-)
love to you all,
Babaly
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ranger
USA
45 Posts |
Posted - Jun 20 2006 : 11:23:11 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Babaly
Thanks Everyone for your posts...I feel your love and care Katrine, Shanti, Anthem11, Sadhak, Ranger, Victor and Jim.
It's so amazing that you said that Ranger, as this morning I couldn't stop sobbing during meditation... I just feel so much longing for God.
For anyone who knows this experience, let me recommend the current issue of Parabola (Summer, 2006), with the theme "Absence and Longing." From one of the articles, "The Pain of Divine Love," by Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee:
"Our culture has forgotten and buried the doorway of devotion, and the lover is often left stranded, not ever knowing the real nature and purpose of the longing that tugs at the heart. It is easy to think that this discontent of the soul is a psychological problem and identify it as a mother complex or the result of an unhappy marriage. We need to reclaim the sanctity of sadness and the meaning of the heart's tears. This intense inner longing is the central core of every mystical path, as the anonymous author of the fourteenth-centruy mystical classic, The Cloud of Unknowing, simply states: 'Your whole life must be one of longing.'"
...................................
"If we can create a context of longing then those whose hearts are burdened with this quest will come to know the true nature of their pain. They will no longer need to repress it, fearing it as a depression or a psychological problem. We need to be able to collectively affirm this inner secret: that the heart suffers because it has not forgotten it's true love." (emphasis added) |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 21 2006 : 07:51:26 AM
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Hi Babaly
quote:
I can't bare to not feel God all the time inside me and around me...
I think this is the deep sadness I am feeling under my anger and frustration.
I have moments of bliss but I feel such longing, such longing....
I am so glad you connected with your longing, Babaly. We tend to make things so difficult....interpreting through our mental filters....when in reality, things are simple. Stark. Clear. I have pondered the fact that although reality may seem brutal in its "merciless" nudity - nothing collects/ressonates/connects like truth. Even if the truth is painful; the effect in me is always one of greater integration. I become total in truth. And in totality, the split (between me and "that which i don't know"/"God"/"Love") dissolves. The instant I am whole, peace settles. At least that is my experience of it.
quote:
I am sure these are just kriyas that are purifying their way through me
Yes. At the same time; the longing is the major propelling force in my inner process. To "perceive" (not real perception - always "seen" through the mind alone) myself as being "separate from God" is devestating. And yet; in this devestation, my resistance cannot survive. It is my heart that knows - always. To allow the longing reveals the split (which of course is not ultimately real; but felt as such in this instant). To experience the "split" and its accompanying emotional make-up, always leads me into a space where the illusion is revealed as such. After crying: Silence. In silence: Union. Always.
Of course - the instant I become identified with my mind again - the above is forgotten. It cannot be remembered. I have to be in it, to know it. And so it goes. On and on. But gradually - more and more truth/silence/love lingers. Gradually the residue of being in communion with truth increases in strength and refinement (quality...or clarity, if you like). And the longing is - in my experience - the greates propelling force. It keeps me on the pathless path. It won't let me waver.
Ranger
I think your post is right on. Thank you for sharing this with us. Is there a corresponding website to your exerpts?
2-3 years ago I reconnected with my own longing - for the first time understanding it to be existential. I then wrote:
The return of my Heart
I remember! I have missed you so
Bit by bit I abandoned my Heart,
couldn’t tolerate the world saying “no”
while my presence was pierced with a dart
I am sorry, so sorry that I left You
for what I thought was solid and rich
I am sorry I thought I could own You,
by scratching the world and its itch
I still don’t know quite how intrinsic
You are to my true existence,
I still don’t know how your forensic
keeps dissolving my grey resistance
Then again, it’s not I that can know this
To think that, was my second mistake
The first was to cover the fact that I miss,
and instead stay wed to the fake
I thank Grace for undressing my eyes
I thank me for allowing the truth
I thank Life for transcending my lies
I thank You for expanding my youth
Katrine 2004
May all your Nows be Here |
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Babaly
USA
112 Posts |
Posted - Jun 23 2006 : 9:44:33 PM
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Ranger,
That was so beautiful..... thank you:-)
I really agree with the excerpt and loved it's message. It also made me feel not so embarassed about my yearning for God.
There are not many places I can talk about it..... actually I can think of only two.... here and with my husband.
These matters of the true heart are so delicate, yet fierce and very private.
I felt very understood by what you wrote.
Babaly |
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Babaly
USA
112 Posts |
Posted - Jun 23 2006 : 9:51:11 PM
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Katrine,
what a soul you are!!!
An original:-)
Thanks for your powerful words and beautiful poem.
I reasonated with what you wrote very much.
I'm sorry it took me so long to answer Ranger and yours replies but work is extremely busy on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays....I was very touched by them.
love and light,
Babaly
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Jun 25 2006 : 1:11:11 PM
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Hi Babaly
Thank you!
Also - remember that wherever beauty finds you - you are as I am 
May all your Nows be Here |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2006 : 10:47:22 AM
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quote:
It's so amazing that you said that Ranger, as this morning I couldn't stop sobbing during meditation... I just feel so much longing for God.
I can't bare to not feel God all the time inside me and around me...
I think this is the deep sadness I am feeling under my anger and frustration.
I have moments of bliss but I feel such longing, such longing....
Does this ever get better? This longing.. does it ever go away?
All my life I have been looking for something or someone to fill a void in me.. but I have realized there is nothing that I know of, that can fill this void... nothing. And now I don't know what else to do. The hardest part is.. I don't know where to turn for comfort.. everywhere I read.. it says you have to turn into yourself.. therein lies true happiness.. I have no peace inside.. just a constant craving for something.. don't know what. I turn here for help.. but the relief is short lived... I turn to my family.. but they don't understand what I am talking about.. they are scared.. and just laugh it off.. I turn to God.. but there is never any reply... I turn within and the longing gets stronger..
Its like fighting a constant battle within.. with no relief in sight.. If I self pace any more.. it will be like giving up my practice altogether.. which may not be a bad idea.. maybe I am not ready for this yet... |
Edited by - Shanti on Jul 30 2006 10:48:32 AM |
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Etherfish
USA
3615 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2006 : 12:48:26 PM
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be sure you are fully feeling your anger and expressing it during everyday life. It should just be a short storm and then be gone. If you think anger is a bad thing and pretend you don't have it, it can build up inside you and you may feel disproportionately angry over some little thing at a later time.
However if you have let it build up like this, go ahead and experience the disproportionate anger, knowing why it is greater than normal.
When you feel angry, just know that you are angry, don't like it, feel how it makes you feel, being fully aware of every detail of it. that makes it go away. Don't try to blame it on others. They may have caused it, but the problem is inside yourself.
Once you get rid of built up anger, AYP practices help to not stir it up in the future so much. |
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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2006 : 1:14:27 PM
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| Shweta - It may be that your longing is the desire for expression of some kind. Beyond your kids, your husband, and the roles you take on with them, your heart may want to express some creative urge. Paradoxically, your heart may want to empty itself rather than be filled....the 'emptiness' or 'void' may be a hunger to release rather than to devour. It's worth exploring, if it feels right. |
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Wolfgang
Germany
470 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2006 : 1:25:33 PM
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Hi Shweta,
sounds you are going through a difficult phase.
What you describe sounds familiar to me (at least to a certain degree).
We are all at different stages, and yet it seems we are closely connected.
A few months ago my wife expressed that she is scared (she said I make
here afraid the way I changed).
What I realised for me was, that I need to be patient with myself,
maybe that's also the case for you.
As for the longing and the craving: can you imagine that God also
is longing for each one of us the same way ?!
Love and Light
Wolfgang
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Alexander
27 Posts |
Posted - Jul 30 2006 : 2:15:48 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Shanti
i turn to God.. but there is never any reply... I turn within and the longing gets stronger..
Its like fighting a constant battle within.. with no relief in sight.. If I self pace any more.. it will be like giving up my practice altogether.. which may not be a bad idea.. maybe I am not ready for this yet...
i have a déjà-vu. in a dream i sat in front of my pc and wanted to write down some words that make sense, but still i can't say anything that helps you.
i wanted to give up meditation too, but i knew that my longing wouldn't stop. i realized that my longing was for god-union. you are freing yourself of anything that holds you on earth and that's a struggle. it's difficult and you don't see the big plan behind it. never mind if your family doesn't understand you - that's our curse.
most people don't understand us (it's my experience). maybe that makes you sad, but please, have faith. i think that nothing ever happens without sense. you found aypsite.com and that shows that you are ready. in my opinion the spiritual path is much about losing yourself completely, losing your personality and everything you consider to be you. that's our fight. the urer we get, the more craviong there is inside. we vibriate at a higher level than most people in our surroundings and deep inside we want to go home. we want to return to the place where we have gone away a long time ago.
i love you shanti and i love you all
namasté |
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Housecleaning?
