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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
 Posted - Nov 23 2011 : 12:27:45 PM
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Good morning everyone 
Thought I would share what happened to me last night even though it is still very early in this "shift" and things are likely going to continue to change as this all integrates... but I thought it would be nice to document what happened, from the beginning, and then continue to share how this unfolding manifests as it continues to deepen (or doesn't  ). I am also excited to have others here point out any "blind spots" they see, helping things to expand, integrate and deepen even more.
Here's what happened....
As many of you know, I went to LA this past weekend to co-lead the AYP Malibu retreat with Katrine. This was a wonderful retreat, filled with silence and companionship, and I am sure that the retreat contributed much to this shift happening when it did. Last night I taught a Deep Meditation workshop class and afterwards I spent an hour chatting with a friend in the class about how things are unfolding for her. She is deep into The Work, goes to meetings with John DeRuiter (http://www.johnderuiter.com/) regularly, and she has been practicing AYP (off and on at first, but regularly now) for about 2 years. After our chat I went to a friend's house and purchased a single joint to smoke on my way home. I have the next few evenings off from teaching classes and I sometimes like to celebrate a successful retreat by partaking of "the herb." 
So, I smoke half of my joint, put the rest in the ashtray of my car, and continued on my drive home. As I'm driving I have this sudden, very physical realization hit me. I realized on a "cellular level," exactly what Deep Meditation does to me. I realized that as I do the procedure of repeating, losing, and going back to the mantra I end up in a space in where there is "no investment in thoughts." For whatever reason, the word "investment" hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that thoughts are always happening... infinite unending thoughts are always "floating around out there" and that based on my personal conditioning, certain thoughts that I am invested in believing will come to the foreground of my mind. The other thoughts, the ones floating around out there that I am not invested in, are basically unconcious to me because there is no investment. I realized that during meditation there are times when there is no investment in any of the thoughts that are floating around, and that this is "the space" that is beyond words. As I recognized "the space" that is cultivated in meditation, that "recognition" then dropped from being "conceptual," to being embodied in every cell. This is very hard to explain, but it is like saying that now that I recognize this "space," that I have the choice to go there at any time. It's like Deep Meditation has rewired things in my brain so that the habit of being unconsciously invested in my thoughts is no longer unconcious. It seems that there is a new level of awareness embodied now (and this seems to be the key to this shift, the fact that "the knowing" is embodied in every cell now) and that thoughts that were previously unconciously invested in are now seen clearly and I have the choice to either continue to stay invested in them or to go back to resting in "the space."
So, to continue my story here, right as I have this realization, I notice that there is a Checkstop half a block ahead of me on the road. So, I quickly open the ashtray and flick the remaining joint out the sunroof of my car so that if the police officer decides to pull me aside and check my car (due to the smell) that there won't be anything found. This, is/was the ultimate test of this new shift. In the past I would normally be incredibly invested in believing the thoughts that I have just wasted a sacrement and that I should be mournful over the loss of it. I pull into the Checkstop, get waved through almost immediately and I then begin to move into working with what has just happened. I noticed that there were thoughts of mourning for my lost joint coming up (because I have a mental habit of being invested in thoughts like this), but I also felt a lot of space between "me" and these thoughts. I could see the habitual investment in these thoughts and I could see/feel that I could choose to go back into the space where there is no investment in these (or any) thoughts. As I made the choice to relax into the space of not being invested in any thoughts I couldn't help but begin laughing my ass off. I realized (again on a cellular level) that I now have the choice whether or not to suffer. I realized that with this increase in awareness around the effects of being invested in any particular thought, that as long as I realize that I am suffering (which is caused by being invested in a thought that argues with the reality of "what is") and as long as I can identify the thought I am invested in, that I can choose to let go of any suffering that is happening. It is like the witness state has become a choice now. It seems that as long as I can recognize that I am invested in thoughts that are causing suffering, I can choose to release my investment.
So, I arrive home about 15 minutes later and I begin to try and convey what I have "realized" to my wife. This proved to be very challenging. The words were just not adaquately able to convey what is now felt in every cell of my body. I also realized, through the lengthy conversation that followed, that saying to someone else that they have a choice whether or not to suffer is absolutely not helpful. I realized that I myself did not have a choice whether or not to suffer until having this understanding drop to a cellular level. I also realized that having this realization was the direct result of my Deep Meditation practice. That Deep Meditation was training the mind to eventually recognize the space where there is no investment in thoughts... but that I had not been able to consciously recognize that space before now... and that the recognition of this space was what caused it to drop into a cellular level of knowing. Again, this is all very challenging to put into words and I'm not sure I am doing a good job at it (hence the plethora of words ).
Anyway, I have no investment in the thought that this "realization" will "stick," but I'm also not sure how I could "forget" that I have the choice to suffer or not now that I see/feel this way. It will be very interesting to watch this realization begin to integrate and deepen (or not). What is really neat about this shift is that I no longer have any desire to smoke a joint again. I can see my investment in the thoughts of wanting to get high and I now have the choice to not hold on to those thoughts and to go back to the space of "non-investment." Will be interesting to see where this all goes.
Thanks for taking the time to read this far... I know this post is way too long.
Love!
P.S. So far today, the result of this "realization" has been an awful lot of spontaneous laughter and incredible amounts of blissful physical sensations with no apparent cause.  |
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JDH
USA
331 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2011 : 1:40:50 PM
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Your description sounds like the "discrimination" stage in the lessons. Lesson 327 for the main details.
PS - Lesson 327 is part of a long stretch of lessons which are loosely about self-inquiry and how it unfolds. Perhaps no coincidence that you were chatting with somebody who loves "The Work".
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Edited by - JDH on Nov 23 2011 1:45:08 PM |
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2011 : 2:09:42 PM
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CarsonZi
Once you find it, you can't lose it, the connection gains increasing strength. First only when looked for and then constant. Eventually you don't find it, it finds you.
You describe it as 'every cell'. The description I have used was that of becoming translucent, like mist as it 'shines' through the body and mind.
It is the beginning of unity.
Wonderful news
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jeff
USA
971 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2011 : 3:24:40 PM
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Very happy for you!
Love. |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2011 : 3:33:16 PM
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Hi JDH
Just re-read Lesson 327 and the "discriminating" phase that is described feels exactly like what has happened. There is a clear level of "space" between "me" and "my thoughts" and there is now an ability to choose between happiness or investment. I can allow myself to stay invested in thoughts that cause feelings of suffering or I can choose to let go of those thoughts and be filled with the joy of resting in "the space." Am looking forward to "dispassion" stage now and losing the need to choose.
Hi Karl
I'm choosing not to fall into the trap of thinking that I can't "lose it" anymore, so I'm staying away from investing in the thoughts that this is permanent. It may well be, but there is no way to know except in hindsight. So, I will continue with my practices and allow things to deepen and continue to unfold how they need to. I suspect that this shift will take lots of time to integrate and that during that integration period there will be at least some oscilation... but I do feel that there is no "going back" (at least not for long) to the way things were before. To me, it feels like I now have the choice to be happy or to believe my thoughts. The choice is simple. I want to be happy.
I can see however, how this "stage" could end up leading to a form of bypassing where I choose not to look at the thoughts that come up and cause suffering and instead continue to choose to "rest in the space" instead of looking at whatever is arising. I think that I will have to be cautious not to fall into that trap. But I believe, if I continue with my practices, that the ability to *not* look at each invested thought will dissolve and everything that arises will be in the conscious realm. No more unconsciousness, no more ability to bypass anything that arises. What an interesting journey this is turning out to be.
Love!
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karl
United Kingdom
1812 Posts |
Posted - Nov 23 2011 : 6:55:45 PM
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Indeed.
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Nov 24 2011 : 10:20:46 AM
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I really shouldn't write stuff when I'm manic.  Hahaha.
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Mikananda
USA
90 Posts |
Posted - Nov 24 2011 : 10:46:51 AM
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| Are you sure that that joint wasn't laced with something else . |
Edited by - Mikananda on Nov 24 2011 10:53:34 AM |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Nov 24 2011 : 11:01:15 AM
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| Hahaha... yes Mikananda, I'm quite sure it wasn't laced with anything. |
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gentlep
USA
114 Posts |
Posted - Nov 24 2011 : 4:21:45 PM
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| Where is lesson-327? |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
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Losing the investment in thoughts
