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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
 Posted - Apr 24 2006 : 4:46:37 PM
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Hi all
A major issue for me this Easter was “Value”. I discovered that I actually don’t value the truth in me. I have problems accepting that I am a light unto myself. Some of this stems from a past that forbade me to “basket” in any “glory” that may have occurred after a performance on stage etc. This is a mixup of ethics, early conditioning and ideas about what is “good” and “bad”. I discovered that I have partly “used this forum” to veil the fact that I actually can’t see my own worth.
Then I also discovered that this forum actually enhances my inner truth. By communicating here I become visible to myself. This is a grace. I deeply appreciate it.
However; the instant I have communicated, I must let go of the need to “fill myself” with this “connection”. I must continue to flow. This includes avoiding any activity that makes this forum – or any other room in my life – more important that truth itself.
Value is not separate from me. It is time I embrace who I am essentially. It is time I dare to see all of me.
Of course….after looking deeply into this issue…..it becomes obvious that I – my mind – can never really grasp Value. The instant I am mind alone, I am cut off from being…..and then – by proxy – cut off from value. Simple, really. It is my mind that is serious. (You can definitely feel the seriousness in this post)
I don’t quite know why I had to post this yet. Other than the fact that my life is changing. My work situation is about to change. I discovered that I have been “hiding” behind my role as a therapeut. (Sort of “the devil behind the alter” scenario) I won’t do it any longer. I am about to do something completely different – something that cannot fill my identity in any way.
I might work more when it comes to hours; but the work I am about to do will give me plenty of inner space. I can relax, be, and still serve.
The ecstacy is ongoing. For the past week I had to cut out one meditation setting pr day. (Due to an emotional release that really through me off center…..as always; after the happening has boiled down, I feel cleared of a bunch of other “dirt” too). The balancing is like “walking on a knife’s edge”. The third eye is ……not burning…..it is ecstatic, cool hot (?)….a piercing energy is working through it 24/7. Sometimes I find myself in a huge column of “electricity” reaching far above my head. The ajna, heart and navel charkas are cones of energy both in front and in the back. The spine is a constant glow.
I am having fun with “sneezing”. Whenever I feel a sneeze is on its way (lots of hairs from my dog hanging around) I simply place my attention on it – one look is enough – it simply disappears. I feel clarity in the residue of its wake. Fun!
Ok. Time for bed. I’ll be back later.
May all your Nows be Here |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Apr 24 2006 : 11:40:54 PM
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Hi Katrine,
Wow, you sure are incredibly proactive with your spiritual path, not many would be willing to change careers to further themselves the way you plan to. Hopefully you will still be able to help as many people in your new work, the world needs people like you around that's for sure!
Your post reminds me of some thoughts I have been having lately.
I have been asking myself lately if this were my "final waltz", my last moments, should I not be enjoying every one of them no matter how pleasant or unpleasant? Isn’t the unpleasant amazing too? Every experience is living, getting what you want, not getting what you want, being where you want to be, not being where you want to be, it's all life, all the chance to experience duality.
I catch myself a lot lately thinking things like "I can't believe this situation bothers me like this, something like this shouldn't be bothersome", then I feel a little frustration or irritation at not being "past" having a reaction to something I see as illogical etc. Then I realize that I'm resisting myself again, and to make it open-ended I have to accept all my feelings and reactions and then they will flow through...I'm not sure why I'm sharing this maybe it's relevant, maybe it’s not...
"Must and should" aren't here and now that's for sure...it sounds like you are rushing, forcing. Athletes that use these words put pressure on themselves to perform properly or optimally in the game they are about to play, the need to perform outweighs their enjoyment of the game, I have made this mistake a thousand times, here's to 1001!
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2006 : 03:17:52 AM
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Hi Anthem
Thank you.
You wrote:
quote:
Wow, you sure are incredibly proactive with your spiritual path, not many would be willing to change careers to further themselves the way you plan to. Hopefully you will still be able to help as many people in your new work, the world needs people like you around that's for sure
Believe me - this is not me being a "good girl". This has been "cooking" for a long time. A grinding of "my will" against the solidity of Being. You know......just as the ecstacy is way out of my control; it becomes impossible for me to not follow my inner direction. If I refuse; I pay the prize of frustration. I simply got tired of resisting - that's all. And yes - the world needs people. Real people. I am glad you see me when I don't 
The new job is part time (I still haven't been told that I got the job......but intuitively I know I did). It is low wage work, I won't be close to "helping people" the way I am used to. But the work is constant contact with ordinary people. And since nothing will be expected of me in terms of "understanding" or "intellectual brilliancy" I am free to "touch" and "be touched" in the way Being seems fit. I honestly have no idea what so ever of what I am getting myself into. Time will tell.
I will not close the clinic. I will still work there a couple of days a week. But Being will supply the clients. Not I.
The only hunch I have about this whole setup is that it has something to do with "writing". I have no idea what it is. Yet.
quote:
I catch myself a lot lately thinking things like "I can't believe this situation bothers me like this, something like this shouldn't be bothersome", then I feel a little frustration or irritation at not being "past" having a reaction to something I see as illogical etc. Then I realize that I'm resisting myself again, and to make it open-ended I have to accept all my feelings and reactions and then they will flow through...I'm not sure why I'm sharing this maybe it's relevant, maybe it’s not...
Thanks for sharing, Anthem. Be happy that you are not "past" having reactions to something you see as illogical. This is a sign of health. Logic is not truth. You have the right attitude....to let whatever is there come forth. Look past the frustration and see if you can "track" where the reaction came from. This is a doorway into unconscious issues. A part of me always welcomes "intesections" like these. The Work is to expose whatever is not true. The truth needs no work - it is always there. It surfaces the instant the lie is revealed. Personality/ego has a hard time with this. After all - it has protected you (with good reason) your whole life. Be compassionate towards yourself. Everything happens for a reason.
quote:
Athletes that use these words put pressure on themselves to perform properly or optimally in the game they are about to play, the need to perform outweighs their enjoyment of the game, I have made this mistake a thousand times, here's to 1001!
You and me both, Andrew 
And I am still at it!!
Worth a laugh; don't you think? 
May all your Nows be Here |
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Sparkle
Ireland
1457 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2006 : 08:51:11 AM
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Hi Katrine
That sounds like a big shift
On occasion in the past I have asked my "being" what I need to do with my life - unfortunately the answers have always scared me so much that I did not go down those roads.
I find the solidity and power of the AYP practices, together with the forum, such that I find myself going in those directions without the "big" effort.
I can resonate totally, and I'm sure everyone else here would agree, with your intuitive feel that it has something to do with writing.
Personally I experience your writing as being alive, effortless to read and most importantly it carries an energy that often raises my vibration.
So take that on the chin and deal with it
I look forward to the first volume
Louis
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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2006 : 10:19:47 AM
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| I admire your courage, Katrine. Best of luck to you in your new venture. And I do hope that it's Writing! :) |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2006 : 12:37:40 PM
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| Wish you all the best Katrine. I am sure you are making the right choice.. the heart always knows... |
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alan
USA
235 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2006 : 4:05:51 PM
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sit back and watch that tiger go! what a breeze through the trees of light and shadow |
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Anthem
1608 Posts |
Posted - Apr 25 2006 : 11:16:38 PM
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quote:
Thanks for sharing, Anthem. Be happy that you are not "past" having reactions to something you see as illogical. This is a sign of health. Logic is not truth. You have the right attitude....to let whatever is there come forth. Look past the frustration and see if you can "track" where the reaction came from. This is a doorway into unconscious issues. A part of me always welcomes "intesections" like these. The Work is to expose whatever is not true. The truth needs no work - it is always there. It surfaces the instant the lie is revealed. Personality/ego has a hard time with this. After all - it has protected you (with good reason) your whole life. Be compassionate towards yourself. Everything happens for a reason.
Hi Katrine,
Illogical was probably the wrong choice of words. What I am noticing going on in my mind is being aware of the truth behind my actions (maybe I am missing a deeper one), yet witnessing myself perpetuate a "lie" about myself anyway. For example, I am in a conversation and I watch myself steer it in a way where I get the chance to receive some kind of "boost" to my ego. My ego is the master of manipulations when it comes to ways to boost itself. I have noticed that even when I help someone my ego likes to here gratification from them so it can identify itself as a "helpful" or "good" person. So what I find frustrating sometimes is that although I see all this going on, I feel powerless sometimes to stop it.
That ego is a tricky fellow and persistent too, even though I'm on to him he keeps trying anyway, he's probably writing half of this!
A
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Edited by - Anthem on Apr 25 2006 11:20:15 PM |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2006 : 04:35:13 AM
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Sparkle wrote:
quote:
So take that on the chin and deal with it
I look forward to the first volume
Thanks a million, Louis
Very inspiring 2 cents
May all your Nows be Here |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2006 : 04:37:20 AM
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Alan, Meg and Shanti
Thank you, thank you, thank you !
Ps: Alan - do you mean i am on top of the tiger?
May all your Nows be Here |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2006 : 05:13:47 AM
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Anthem wrote:
quote:
That ego is a tricky fellow and persistent too, even though I'm on to him he keeps trying anyway, he's probably writing half of this!
Andrew Thanks for making me laugh!
I can completely resonate with what you write. The trick is to find out who it is that is watching. "The fellow" comes in the back door too....he pretends to be the witness.... It took me a long time to understand that the one in me who is "on to the ego" is simply another part of the ego! I am then at war with myself.
quote:
So what I find frustrating sometimes is that although I see all this going on, I feel powerless sometimes to stop it.
This is good! This is in fact it! To acknowledge this very thing - that I am powerless when it comes to stopping my ego - is in itself a huge letting go. Then all I have to do is meditate. Regularly. Like you do. The major lie for me to uncover was exactly this: That I could somehow "clever myself" into fixing "my problem" (which in this forum is variations of "not being enlightened"). This must be exactly how a Greyhound feels.....running after the hotdog it never gets.
quote:
My ego is the master of manipulations when it comes to ways to boost itself.
Yes. It never got the hotdog, you see. So it compensates for its loss. Very understanding. I just let it do its thing, Andrew. Then gradually; through meditation; - after tasting small bits of the hotdog - the ego habits starts dropping. By itself. Simply by proxy. After all, the real always tasted better than the fake.
quote:
For example, I am in a conversation and I watch myself steer it in a way where I get the chance to receive some kind of "boost" to my ego.
It is great that you can observe yourself like you do, Andrew. I have learned a lot from totally immersing myself in the ego action. With this, I mean to totally do what my ego wants to, but at the same time watch, watch, watch. I find out how my ego works this way.
quote:
he's probably writing half of this!
He can write all he wants; you still shine through, Andrew. Lots of space here
Thank you!
I have enjoyed myself
May all your Nows be Here |
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Shanti
USA
4854 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2006 : 08:18:43 AM
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Wow Anthem, that was very insightful. You really got this self inquiry thing going in your favor don't you? I think Katrine has the right idea though.. just let the ego do its thing.. with meditation the ego habit starts dropping.
I am so glad to be a part of this forum.. learn something new every day. What a wonderful way to start my day. Thanks guys.
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alan
USA
235 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2006 : 10:11:18 AM
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Jaya Durga!  |
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Manipura
USA
870 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2006 : 11:00:54 AM
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| Hey, this is my turf! Did someone mention ego? You mean I'm not the only one who has to deal with a Queen-size one? My ego likes to think that it's the smallest one around. Everything you guys have written is so painfully true. The ego finds its way into every crevass of the mind; even enters into enlightenment. I actually have great respect for its immense intelligence. The best thing for it is meditation, as someone has said, not so much to stop its activity, but to SEE it. Once the ego has been seen, it is unmanned. The tricky part is to actively look for it, because it pops up all over the place, and is easy to miss. The other thing that's been helpful is reading the Heart Sutra, which for some reason always stops my ego dead in its tracks. What I'm finding, though, is that behind the ego is an energy that is even more powerful than that of the ego, that of the Self, which is astonishing, and gives me hope that in time the ego can indeed be got around. |
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nearoanoke
USA
525 Posts |
Posted - Apr 26 2006 : 1:44:42 PM
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Hi Katrine or others,
When you say be a witness, can you please explain what exactly needs to be done. I think whenever we go out of control or our ego shows itself, we know it through our inner conscience. When we make a mistake or lose temper we know we are wrong and that is because we are already witnessing it passively. What does the active witnessing involve?
Thanks, Near |
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 27 2006 : 10:13:19 AM
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Hi Near
quote:
When you say be a witness, can you please explain what exactly needs to be done. I think whenever we go out of control or our ego shows itself, we know it through our inner conscience. When we make a mistake or lose temper we know we are wrong and that is because we are already witnessing it passively. What does the active witnessing involve?
What needs to be done? Absolutely nothing. That is why we struggle. It is hard to accept that there is nothing in our "doing" that can "fix" this setting. Meditation is non-doing. The clarity that arises through meditation gradually makes you aware. It is this clarity that sees the activity of the ego.
If you feel guilt over something you have done, it is usually your super-ego that is responsible. Your super-ego is not the witness. Your super-ego is a judge. It is your inner judge that "sentences you" for having lost your temper. It is the judge that says: This is a mistake; this is wrong. The result is often that you reject yourself. And in rejecting yourself, you also reject the awareness in you.
It is this activity of rejecting/resistance that is the problem. This "doing" is the problem.
Meditate; become more and more aware.
When you are clear/aware - your actions will reflect the clarity - not the ego. We go back and forth between these - until the clarity is there all the time (at least this is how I imagine it).
May all your Nows be Here |
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gosay
9 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2006 : 08:01:05 AM
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this reminds me, when my sir, told, if the intentions, words and actions dont synchronise then tao cant be found.
well all the best katrine
_gosay
Life Under Construction---www.gosay.tk---
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Katrine
Norway
1813 Posts |
Posted - Apr 28 2006 : 08:15:46 AM
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Thank you, Gosay
All the best to you too
May all your Nows be Here |
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Value
