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JosephUK
United Kingdom
212 Posts |
 Posted - Oct 10 2011 : 3:59:46 PM
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I've recently returned to AYP from a brief and failed attempt at being a buddhist.
I tried to become a vegetarian as advised and went through a massive ego led rebellion which has led me to start smoking again and i've eaten a lot of meat recently.
I guess i am who i am right now and if i try and change it without the correct support (IE from enlightened yogis or monks ) I'm going to fail.
anyhow i've been listening to Arvo Part (Particularly spiegel im spiegel
heres the cello version:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-t5Nk49yZs
which has highlighted how gentle i need to be with myself.
i guess it also highlights how sad my life has been so far.
I recently did some past life work (on my own)
IT seems my mum had a miscarriage (which was me) and then I lost touch with the creator and was then reincarnated into my mums tummy again but without protection.
I just don't know what to do now.
I seem powerless to do anything to change my life.
(I'm unemployed, mentally unwell, as well as physically disabled by psychosomatic symptoms of my mental health problem)
i'm trapped.
So I started praying for death, I started saying "I want to die in my mind"
then God came down and supported me through this emotion (as he always does)
then I changed the mantra to Kalak maha kala (great undying death)
and now i've added Kali to my shree ohm shree ohm i am i am nameh
she certainly cuts through the crap.
i feel better now although i haven't really achieved the initial aim nor the sought after miracle underlying it.
love
Joe |
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11jono11
United Kingdom
181 Posts |
Posted - Oct 10 2011 : 5:18:59 PM
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Hey Joe,
I'll open with:
Borrow the beloved’s eyes.
Look through them and you’ll see the beloved’s face
everywhere. No tiredness, no jaded boredom.
"I shall be your eye and your hand and your loving."
Let that happen, and things
you have hated will become helpers.
A certain preacher always prays long and with enthusiasm
for thieves and muggers that attack people
on the street. "Let your mercy, O Lord,
cover their insolence."
He doesn’t pray for the good,
but only for the blatantly cruel.
Why is this? his congregation asks.
"Because they have done me such generous favors.
Every time I turn back toward the things they want.
I run into them, they beat me, and leave me nearly dead
in the road, and I understand, again, that what they want
is not what I want. They keep me on the spiritual path.
That’s why I honor them and pray for them."
Those that make you return, for whatever reason,
to God’s solitude, be grateful to them.
Worry about the others, who give you
delicious comforts that keep you from prayer.
Friends are enemies sometimes,
and enemies friends.
There is an animal called an ushgur, a porcupine.
If you hit it with a stick, it extends its quills
and gets bigger. The soul is a porcupine,
made strong by stick-beating.
So a prophet’s soul is especially afflicted,
because it has to become so powerful.
A hide is soaked in tanning liquor and becomes leather.
If the tanner did not rub in the acid,
the hide would get foul-smelling and rotten.
The soul is a newly skinned hide, bloody and gross.
Work on it with manual discipline,
and the bitter tanning acid of grief,
and you’ll become lovely, and very strong.
If you can’t do this work yourself, don’t worry.
You don’t even have to make a decision,
one way or another, The Friend, who knows
a lot more than you do, will bring difficulties,
and grief, and sickness,
as medicine, as happiness,
as the essence of the moment when you’re beaten,
when you hear Checkmate, and can finally say,
with Hallaj’s voice,
I trust you to kill me.
~ Rumi
I too am having some trouble at the moment. You may have seen posts, but to briefly explain; getting way to caught up in the importance of my degree (ironically training to be a mental health professional) led to the development of at first anxiety and then OCD. It has impacted on my life and has been crippling at times. One thing I am thankful for out of all of this, is the insight it has given me into mental health. I had experienced depression etc when I was very young as a result of a chaotic childhood but for years I hadn't experienced anything that impacted so much on my life like the OCD has been doing for the past few months. I intend to take what I have learnt into work to enable me to better empathise/help people in the future.
Like so much of Rumi's work the above poem has inspired me a lot. Mental breakdown and enlightenment are, as I'm sure you know, very closely related. Mooji in one of his Satsangs pointed out to someone to be thankful for a mind/ego that doesn't treat you kindly, as then you're less likely to remain attached to it/identified with it. I guess that's like the thieves and muggers in this poem. Why would you want to wake up from an easy, comfortable dream.
I'm not really offering advice (you'd probably already of thought of everything I'd suggest anyway), just letting you know you're not alone (except in the way that there's only One ultimate reality and we're it/you're it, but unless that is your current experience it's kind of irrelevant..[but hey I like to cover all bases  ) and hopefully offering some reassurance.
Two advanced practitioners (I won't say who without asking if it's okay first...[not that you/we need to know]) that I have been in communication with have told me of their past sufferings, mental dis-ease in one form or another, so for me that provides hope towards overcoming adversity. One fellow practitioner explained that they just kept doing their practice and after a while they noticed that the issues they were experiencing were no longer there.
I have also been advised that AYP (or any practice for that matter) and support from any kind of health service, therapy, medication, whatever, are not exclusive. Something to perhaps consider if you're having trouble at the moment (okay that was offering advice). I don't know what you think of the medical profession etc but if you get support from the NHS (like I am now doing), it will be evidence-based (meaning it will have gone through a bajillion trials etc to make sure that it's effective [sorry if I'm being patronizing, since my training I can't remember/discern what is common knowledge and what is professional jargon]) Though I can empathise, from my own current experience I know how difficult it is to figure out what one should do when everything feels so chaotic, what to trust, what steps to take, whether to get non-spiritual help or not etc (I say I can empathise, this could not be your experience at all). When I make any more progress myself regarding the above I will share with you here + the whole AYP community.
Other forum members could correct me but I think whatever is done if one keeps up regular DM the inner silence will help.
You seem to have a lot of fire burning, a lot of Bhakti, + some Mystic stuff going on (with your own past life stuff), that can't be anything but a good thing (in the long run).
With regards to making any changes like stopping smoking/eating meat etc I would say that trying to do it could be counter productive. If that stuff doesn't have a massive impact on your life then i'd suggest not to resist it, keep up your practice, at whatever level is comfortable and let whatever is going to/needs to/wants to fall away, fall away (that's what happened with me and smoking/drinking etc).
Just listened to the track, beautiful +
quote:
which has highlighted how gentle i need to be with myself.
I hear you, something I need to remind myself to do.
Well, anyway, that's a lot of ramble. I hope none of it's out of place. If I'd want any-thing to be taken from this it'd be to remind you that I, we, the AYP community (that rhymes), is here for you (until/unless you realize that they are you, in which case they'll still be here for you, but you'll be here for yourself..[maybe I should stop with the Non-Dual babble]). Also, in essence, Everything being God/Truth/Love/One, This Everything is here for you too (this is as, if not more, valuable to me as it might be for you).
One
Truth
Love
Jono |
Edited by - 11jono11 on Oct 10 2011 5:28:33 PM |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2520 Posts |
Posted - Oct 11 2011 : 01:48:53 AM
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Hi Joseph
there is no need to become a buddhist or vegetarian....just accept and love yourself as you are right now....
as for sadness and sickness in your life....know that all of us have sadness and sickness in our lives and the lives of people around us that we care about....sadness is the eye opener that pushes us into this journey from the unreal to the real (that is why you are posting and seeking at AYP ) ....the real is all bliss ....meanwhile until reaching the supreme there is the now...make use of it by doing practices...and whenever sad thoughts come to your mind,know that they are only thoughts,they will appear and they will disappear.....
there is no need either to dwell on your past incarnations...take care of the now....thinking about the past and future is a real waste of mental energy....no wonder we feel exhausted after thinking too much
much Love |
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maheswari
Lebanon
2520 Posts |
Posted - Oct 11 2011 : 03:23:16 AM
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Beautiful 11jono11
thank you |
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