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Chard
250 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 04 2017 : 12:57:58 AM
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Before I make this move to California next month I feel I need to get all this off my chest and out of my body and into this community being totally authentic and transparent. For the record I write this amidst a fear inside me (mainly fear of rejection) larger than the Grand Canyon- know that this is written with all the courage I have. My apologies that this will be a very long post, but I need to get this all out in black and white for myself...
So over 10 years ago, right when I began 12 step recovery a beautiful woman walked into my recovery room meeting. I had an immediate sense that I recognized and knew her deeply. I asked her to sponsor me and I rapidly began working the 12 steps with her. She introduced me to AYP practices and the forum- she has been part of the AYP community. A few weeks I believe after knowing her, my kundalini awakened. I would hug her and felt a deep sense of being Home. Her smell, her voice, everything about her was home to me. (i remember thinking how odd that was as I had never had that feeling with anyone). After my kundalini had awakened for a bit, I remember hugging her and seeing white and feeling electricity run through my body and going home depleted and napping for 3 hours. I felt like I needed sunglasses to look in her eyes- I felt like I could see her soul (I don't see people's souls even to this day the way I saw hers). I experienced feelings of wanting to merge with her and with God and just life itself, etc. etc. There were alot of similarities between us and alot of syncronicities. I remember laughing with her one time and it felt like a deep sense of bliss, like the heavens were shaking (have I lost my audience yet! Lol!) I felt like she was a mother, sister, friend, lover. I felt we just clicked and I couldn't explain it but I knew in my heart it was a very deep soul connection. I felt finely tuned to her energy and could tell how she was feeling without her saying a word, just by feeling her energy (10 yrs ago I had no ability to read anyone's energy)
I had never questioned my marriage to my soulmate husband or my sexuality until she came into my life. She and I were both married to men and yet I felt more sexually aroused by her than anyone else I had ever met- bearing in mind I was having a kundalini awakening at the time. I felt like she could tear down my walls with just a gaze of her eyes. I felt just such unconditional love for her (and I was terrified at the same time).
Being new in recovery, with freshly awakened kundalini and this deep soul connection, I was a mess! I didn't know which end was up! Even to this day, I'm not sure if I can make sense of that period of time in my life - magical, terrifying, beautiful, painful and one that will always leave an indelible mark on my soul and life. The intimacy level was terrifying for me (and I gathered it was for her as well). I pushed boundaries, said inappropriate things and the last email was her telling me never to contact her again. (A, if you ever read this, I'm sorry for everything I did or said that hurt you. I forgive you too and hope that you do not carry shame or regret regarding anything you said or did during that time. I see that it was all part of a divine process that needed to happen for our (I'll speak for myself-my own!) growth. I hope you know that, angel).
So after our relationship ended I experienced a soul-tearing pain. I screamed at God and at her and cried out of every pore of my body. I focused on trying to transmute the feelings spiritually, yet it was like I lost a precious part of myself that I never got back. Yet, looking back, I'm grateful as those experiences of love, pain and anger helped make me who I am today and I do not regret any of it.
Baffled by the soul conneciton, I did research right after and found that Twin Flames were the only hole that the peg of that relationship fit into. At that time, there was little online about twin flames and mostly alluded to them being opposite gender so I concluded that I'd never figure what the hell that was that I experienced and no one would ever even understand if I told them, so I tried to bury it all.
On Sept. 1, 2007 at 7am a voice came to me (i'd never heard a voice before that was not my own!) and whispered, "create a school." Long story short I followed that divine guidance, did research on holistically minded schools and ended up founding a non-profit school system based on the teachings of Sri Aurobindo and The Mother (ironically they were bonified Twin Flames themselves which I didn't know at the time). I remember the relief I felt to pour the tsunami of emotions I had into a project that was so much bigger than me. I felt such a sense of fulfilment creating some spiritual project. The project flopped as there was no interest in the area I lived for such a school and then I got pregnant... Years went by in a flash. I moved on- she was always like a shadow in my life but It was like I put her in pandora's box never to open again.
Then, Dec. 2016, a friend of mine shared that she had a soul connection with another man. She said it was like the loss was like "life streaming out of my soul" etc etc. My jaw dropped, "Oh my God, I thought." I had a grid for what she was telling me. I knew she met her twin flame. I told her to google twin flames and she asked me if my husband was my twin flame. I said no he's my soulmate. Then she dared to ask me, "Then who's your twin flame?" I shared her first name (respecting her identity) I told my friend my experience 10 years ago. It just brought everything back up to watch my friend and her twin flame play out the painful runner/chaser dynamic etc in front of my eyes. It was like I was reliving it as I was friends with her and my husband was friends with her twin flame! How ironic. From then on, it was like I was seeing twin flame this and that everywhere! Then Jan. 2017, long story short my husband and I were deciding to move to Central Coast, CA. I looked up AYP at that time as all these old feelings were resurfacing. I joined the AYP facebook group for a day and then unfriended myself because I noticed she was on it too and it was too painful for me at the time. That's when I realized she was living in CA as well. So in March 2017 I began a course called Landmark Education Self-Expression and Leadership Program whereby you have rigorous coaching to be in integrity and get resolution with everyone in your life! So on the heals of unearthing my twin flame experience after years (she may disagree with being my twin flame but that's what my experience has been, so in this post I will refer to her as that). I realized it was time to write her a letter. Plus I had such rigorous accountability I couldn't squeeze out of it- trust me, I tried and dug in my Capricorn heals! What if she forgot me, hates, who knows? I knew she told me never to contact her again so I felt like I was tiptoeing in my letter in an attempt to bridge the gap. Frankly, I had no idea what the hell to say after 10 years. But I'll tell you I was so terrifed to write it to the point where I vomited from the anxiety of it the night before (I'm not bulimic)!
I did not get a response from her but I'm still glad I wrote it.
So I did more research on twin flames and noticed there was alot more out there on the internet. Alot about signs, stages, common issues, etc. and it validated my own experience. I also learned how twin flames are very very rare on the planet. So rare frankly that I have felt so entirely isolated apart from the internet. No one understands this in society!
She was the biggest gaping hole of unresolution in my life and I committed that even if I never saw her again that I would do healing work for myself and include her energetically in that healing work too. I did an energy healing session with my go-to energy healer (Gene Krackehl who is amazing and I credit him for alot of my family of origin trauma healing, etc.) specifically regarding the twin flame relationship. I felt like he kicked out all the resentment and just cleared the energy between us. The next day I felt this resurgence of kundalini energy that I had not felt in 10 years. I felt connected to her soul essence. I was totallly awed and I had the experience of telepathically communicating with her (I have no evidence to support this because I haven't confirmed this with her but the experiences I had were very real and stuff that I couldn't make up in my head). This energetic connection lasted a few weeks and during that time I was so present to the timelessness of the unconditional love I feel for her, the sexual arousal, the bliss, yet no human body to even accompany these experiences. I've learned there is a 3rd energy that twin flames create together and can be used for healing. During those weeks of conneciton with her soul essence/energy I transmitted energy healing to a friend of mine who confirmed she felt a calm energy come over her. I've never been able to energy heal. It was like these spiritual channels openend and I was pouring out blogs and writings. I couldn't help but think "If we worked together, we'd be a powerhouse." I've had several crystal clear (as opposed to hazy) dreams about her including working together, traveling to the place where she grew up (where I've yearned to go with her), erotic dreams- the whole nine yards.
I found Twin Flame Healers.com which was work that really resonated with my experience and I began listening to alot of their webinars. I'm not going to pretend I'm over the pain of separation from her, because I'm not and don't know if I ever will be. I still cry. But I just work to channel it into service and bring it all to God. I actually just finished writing my second children's book -a twin flame children's book. It's basically my whole story but geared towards children. I felt like God wanted me to write the book and I cried throughout writing it but I really want to bring awareness to society about this scarcely understood concept of twin flames.
All the while, I'm married my soulmate husband who I've been with since 16. It sounds crazy but I felt like I was being unfaithful to her with my husband. I got really really (and painfully) honest with my husband. I told him every thought, feeling, experience I had in regards to her. He is a rare bird and handled it really well and did research of his own on twin flames. I actually just did an akashic records session with Twin Flame Healers as I wanted clarity my soul contract with my husband, as well as clarity on my soul's life mission. It was helpful and I got some good info and the reading revealed that my husband and my karma is complete, no unresolved issues and in fact his soul is "bowing with arms open wide" to my going and doing whatever I need to do on my spiritual mission. That was helpful to hear.
Ultimately, as I'm getting ready to move to live 3 hrs away from my twin flame it's brought me anxiety in my marriage knowing that if I run into her, my marriage would dissolve. How she feels about me 10 years later is unknown (I may never know) but it's unsettling to me that I'm married to a man yet I yearn most for my twin flame. It feels like I'm living an unbearable lie- sleeping with my husband yet haunted by fantasies of her. I just can't do it, nor can my husband. i buried her but never stopped loving her. So my husband and I agreed today to have a separation. Its so painful but I just can't be inauthentic. There were other issues in our marriage for the record but this was just a catalyst. There are no guarantees I will be in contact with her (I don't plan to reach out to her again out of respect for her boundary) so it's me preparing myself to be alone raising my two children and just focusing on my spiritual work as I start a new life in CA. I have no idea how things will play out but that's the whole story up til today.
Ultimately, I do want to be with my twin flame on all levels, but more than that I just want her to be living her ultimate joy wherever/with whom that is even if it means it has nothing to do me.
This was really hard to write (and took awhile!) but I'm really relieved and humbled to just share this as we are all a part of this community. Being that we are all part of this community, perhaps you can all pray for our healing and union as God wills it. Thank you for listening. Comment if you feel so inspired but I'm grateful to just have witnesses. That's the whole story. Thank you!
 Chard
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1730 Posts |
Posted - Jul 04 2017 : 04:28:11 AM
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Hi Chard
I honour your courage. It must have taken some to put your story in writing.
I may be having a blind spot, but I cannot see, in what you have written, any reason to separate from your husband. You mention "other issues". There might be something in there.
I understand the 'twin flames' to be an expression of longing for deep intimacy. I see it as a drive for spiritual growth and also a need that will be transcended with spiritual growth.
Marriage is about satisfying people's needs for intimacy (at least to some extent; yogis know it can't possibly go all the way in doing that). But marriage is about other things, which are equally important. It is a partnership for raising children. How do you explain your decision to your kids? They might be too young now for an explanation to be meaningful, but let's think of the adults they will become. They will likely seek to understand why their parents split up. What will you tell them? "I had to leave your father because ..."?
Of course I respect your decision because I understand the need to be true to oneself. But I can't help feeling - and I'm sorry if this sounds blunt - that it doesn't take much into account the needs of the people around you.
All I have said comes, inevitably, from my limited perception and understanding of the situation. Forgive me if it is not helpful.
May the Silence guide you  |
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sunyata
USA
1505 Posts |
Posted - Jul 04 2017 : 12:35:16 PM
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Dear Chard,
Thank you for your authentic sharing. You are a brilliant writer.
In the Tantra tradition, there are various Goddesses. Many worship them as external deities. But with practices, we realize that these are energies within us. Your story reminds me of Goddess Radha.
Radha is the energy of passionate love, the longing, the craving, hopelessly romantic.
So, this is the story of Radha and Krishna in a nutshell. Radha is a daughter of a village farmer. Krishna is a prince. They fall in love deeply. Radha is devoted. However, Krishna has many gopinis (lovers). He's basically a player. One day, Krishna is summoned to the palace by this father. Radha gets married to a farmer in the village.
Radha becomes insane and starts chanting Krishna's name and starts seeing him every where. This is the essence of Bhakti Yoga. We can channel that desire for the other/unrequited love to divine love.
As a bhakti yogini, you can experience rapturous love within you. So much that at times, the physical body is unable to contain it. There are also times of deep pain.
The clarity dawns with what we do with that pain. Do we suppress, distract that pain? Or are we willing to let that pain rip us apart? This is transmutation of that energy.
The path of Bhakti is delicious, rapturous, cosmically orgasmic,if we learn how to transmute that energy. There are many Saints who have traveled this path.
It's ultimately your decision. But, I hope the young souls are taken into consideration. As, Yoginis and Yogis we travel on the razor's edge. We engage in all these powerful practices. IMHO, relationships is the most powerful practice of all. It's difficult but the biggest growth happens in them. But I also recognize the human side in us.
Sorry for the lengthy response. Regardless of what decision you make, my best wishes and support is with you.
Much Love
I can't help but share Krishna Das. He understands the longing/craving for Divine/Liberation/Evolution. This song describes the Radha energy in me.
https://youtu.be/wA343RcW3uM
For your love
I’d give the moon if it were mine to give
I’d give the stars and the sun for I live
To fill you with delight
I’d bring you diamonds bright
Don’t you think it would excite
If I could dream of you tonight
For your love
Naaraayana Naaraayana Naaraayana
I’d give you everything and more
And that’s for sure
Don’t you think it would excite
If I could dream of you tonight
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Edited by - sunyata on Jul 04 2017 2:05:04 PM |
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parvati9
USA
587 Posts |
Posted - Jul 04 2017 : 12:51:22 PM
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Chard,
Thank you for sharing your amazing story, and please forgive the response if it is inappropriate and/or untactful.
You said "she may disagree with being my twin flame but that's what my experience has been". This statement plus the email telling you never to contact her again ... are signs that she may not be capable of dealing with your intense feelings, for one reason or another. If that is what's really going on in this situation (and maybe it isn't, maybe her feelings for you are even more intense?), then you may have to live with it and respect her boundaries. .... When people are in denial about their own feelings, it's sometimes nearly impossible to deal with the intense emotions of others toward them, and it may appear that they are playing games, when they really aren't. You are responsible for integrating your own feelings, and she is responsible for integrating hers. Maybe the two of you can meet in the middle, and maybe that won't happen. In my opinion, it all hinges on whether she also regards you as her twin flame. Until you know for sure, it seems unwise to jeopardize your potentially wonderful relationship with your husband and family.
Depending on one's point of view, I may or may not have had a rather unfortunate experience at the onset of kundalini awakening, which was imagined or remembered to be a former lover from a past life in Atlantis. Several factors came together to make the situation untenable. Due to the real or imagined past, the k awakening, and my normally intense response to life, it was hard not to become obsessed. He clearly indicated that he didn't want to go there in this life, and literally forced me to respect his boundary. Thus a necessary attitude adjustment, on my part, had to be made. In retrospect, it is certain the k awakening had everything to do with coming into contact with him, as he helped a lot to get me through it. He obtained for me the bimetal Indian Shiva bracelets that significantly calmed my nerves, eventually enabling a peaceful and harmonious resolution with our contact. Just saying it is responsible, compassionate and right to respect the other person's wishes and boundaries - no matter how intense our feelings may be. Resolution doesn't necessarily involve the other person, as we are perfectly capable of integrating those intense feelings on our own. But sometimes resolution does involve the other person.
love
parvati |
Edited by - parvati9 on Jul 04 2017 1:50:05 PM |
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
Posted - Jul 04 2017 : 4:30:20 PM
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Twin Flames!  |
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Dogboy
USA
2193 Posts |
Posted - Jul 04 2017 : 10:46:00 PM
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Chard, good job writing this down; seeing our thoughts into words are always a good way to achieve perspective. You have received bang-up advice from the ladies above (and you Bodhi, no mention of the 12 steps?)
I missed the part about you having kids, and if you do, this move obviously has larger consequences. Your husband sounds like a steady influence, and as BlueRaincoat points out, do you really want to let go of that rope? You might fly, or crash hard.
Sunyata, I love how you lace together yoga literature and lore, and your love for Chard finding her way radiates forth  and Parvati, your perspective, knowledge, and clarity is true for the points you make are spot on: it takes two to make a twin flame, and Chard's kundalini experience is an obvious player here.
I wish you clarity, Chard, and we are not going to be able to hold you back from exploring this, right? Facetime your family Don't lock the door on your way out, you may have to come back through it again. Know Yourself  |
Edited by - Dogboy on Jul 04 2017 10:53:18 PM |
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Jul 04 2017 : 11:34:31 PM
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Dogboy, Parvati9, BodhiTree, Sunyata, BlueRaincoat,
Thank you all for your responses! I heard alot of comments about marriage and kids...
I've been really sitting with all of this for actually years and looking at all the angles of my marriage and the workability, including our personality differences, lifestyle values differences, parenting style differences, spiritual path differences, unhealthy behavior patterns at play- the whole gammet. So there are very real issues that exist for me beyond the twin flame impact. The twin flame connection was a soul wake up though. My husband is a wonderful man with wonderful qualities, don't get me wrong but it's almost like (dare I say!) I love him as a friend?? (Did i just wrote that?!)
There are alot of unanswered questions for me right now, but what does feel like good orderly direction right now is just taking some physical space from him to hopefully give me some clarity, in addition to staying connected to support systems in my life.
Considering kids is a big thing too. I asked myself the question, "Would I want my own children to be settling for a life partner or less than completely following their hearts?" The answer is no. I believe on a soul level, they too want my highest joy as well.
More will be revealed...
I really appreciate your witnessing. I feel so depleted after posting all that yesterday and had a pang of writers remorse and embarrassment that came over me today -"oh my gosh, why did you write all that, you nut!" lol! But I know it was all meant to come out at some point! I'm just trying to stay open and vulnerable here when my instinct is to shut down and hide.
Goodnight all and thank you all!C
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Bodhi Tree
2972 Posts |
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lalow33
USA
966 Posts |
Posted - Jul 05 2017 : 1:18:34 PM
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Hi Chard,
I'm not sure how to word this. I've been in the presence of the light. It's always disembodied. If I felt it coming from another person, I would fall madly in love with that person.
I do know if I'm madly seeking the light in the moment, it's something I won't experience (I'm not talking about a general longing). |
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Chard
250 Posts |
Posted - Jul 09 2017 : 09:06:20 AM
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Thanks lalow33 and everyone again for your responses! Utimately, I see the spiritual path is really about us falling in love with our own divine selves- the divine love-making of the polarities within us getting played out so artfully in the world around us... and watching how nucking futs (lol!) we go as humans when we see our divine essence in another one's eyes!
Cheers to the guru in each of us! Blessings to the beautiful souls that you all are and thank you for witnessing my journey at this time! C |
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sunyata
USA
1505 Posts |
Posted - Jul 09 2017 : 10:12:53 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Chard
Utimately, I see the spiritual path is really about us falling in love with our own divine selves- the divine love-making of the polarities within us getting played out so artfully in the world around us... and watching how nucking futs (lol!) we go as humans when we see our divine essence in another one's eyes!
Right!? Divine's cray cray.
Enjoy falling in love with the beloved.
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