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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
 Posted - Jul 29 2015 : 04:58:27 AM
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Hi,
This is an interesting one.
When considering previous relationships with friends and family, I feel more sensitive to any 'moral trespasses' I may have made, that did not seem at the time to be anything 'wrong'.
For example, one friend I've known since childhood was often depressed, anxious, suicidal. I've loved this friend and feel I was there to help support him, accept him and encourage him.
...But now, I remember a couple of times I'd perhaps seen him somewhat as a 'nuisance' when I was trying to get on with my life and he'd contact me out of the blue whenever he was feeling depressed.
I am currently contending with unconfessed guilt for the occasion or two I may have said to another friend things like "If you think I struggle with depression, you havn't met him".
The intention in things I've said is generally to guard him, but I think there has been an element of deflecting anxiety from myself, and projecting my own repressed negativity onto him.
It feels like I have shared something quite personal about my friend, with other people.
The more my "intellectual mind" looks at this situation, the more other forgotten moral slips keep popping up into mind.
It's like I'm seeing the past through a more sensitive moral lens. Seeing my behaviour in a new light. It is uncomfortable.
I have a very self-critical, panic-prone intellect that is currently 'beating me up' and 'urging me to confess' and simultaneously 'terrified of confessing'. I am intermittently successful at not identifying with all these forces, so at times I feel identified with this mess of contradictory forces and values and thoughts.
So, some questions:
Have you guys experienced similar moral pains, as you become more aware of our interconnection?
Have you found 'confessing every perceived moral fault directly to those involved' actually skillful and wise? Whilst I feel it would be good to get some of this off my chest, I also think the potential for hurt feelings all around is considerable, and for very little gain (aside from unburdening my sense of guilt).
What has been a skillful way of 'learning the lesson' from increasing moral sensitivity, whilst avoiding the extremes of 'self-flagellation', self-criticism, shame, guilt, low self-esteem, self-punishment, avoidance etc.
I am aware that behind the mind's regret about the past and worry about future confrontation, there are some deeply painful emotions in the body - I am aware of anxiety, anger and sadness. Especially the idea of owning up to my mistakes and confessing them triggers major fear that seems to go into childhood.
I'm just struggling a bit with processing this all. Any advice from others is welcome.
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2015 : 07:48:55 AM
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Hi Jack,
Interesting isn't it. Did you read the Yama's & Niyama's of Patanjali? The eight folded path. Without doing it is happening.
I followed many many asana classes for the painful emotions in the body.
I opened up to my close relations, this can give beautiful conversations, but further away it is especially a lesson to yourself, how you behave. The inner guru will let you know.
Writing helped me, whenever I felt guilt, pain, questions, journaling helped. This will give you so much insight in yourself.
The better you learn to know the real you, the more easy it will get.
Smooth Journey,  |
Edited by - Charliedog on Jul 29 2015 08:35:15 AM |
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BlueRaincoat
United Kingdom
1734 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2015 : 10:09:41 AM
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Hi Jack
Yes, I can relate.
I noticed you put the question in the Plus forum as well. I share my thoughts there when the site is back. |
Edited by - BlueRaincoat on Jul 29 2015 10:12:36 AM |
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Charliedog
1625 Posts |
Posted - Jul 29 2015 : 11:18:35 AM
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Jack,
One of the things I know now is that it is not our fault. You did not know, and now with some more sensitivity and witnessing you see your patterns.
It is a proces, however when looking back, there is no path.
You did what you thought was right and you are who you are at any moment and that is ok. (sorry for the simple English, the best I can do  )
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Edited by - Charliedog on Jul 29 2015 12:04:24 PM |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2015 : 12:56:38 PM
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Thank you.
Feel like on verge of a nervous breakdown with this, the urge to 'confess' is so strong.
But maybe not the wisest thing to do?
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Dogboy
USA
2294 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2015 : 2:51:33 PM
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quote:
Feel like on verge of a nervous breakdown with this, the urge to 'confess' is so strong.
But maybe not the wisest thing to do?
I know one of the 12-steps is to make amends with transgressions, so there is precident it can be cathartic for one or both parties. You can't predict how welcome or effective an apology will be, only how it will feel for you in giving one. I believe a sincere apology goes a long way toward loosening your attachment to a negative past, changing its polarity and freeing the burden you've carried long enough. |
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lalow33
USA
966 Posts |
Posted - Jul 31 2015 : 8:31:23 PM
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Hi Jack,
What you perceive may not be what the other people in your life perceive. Your mind could be making a big deal out of nothing. My mind tends to do this when I'm anxious. Could just be a grasping mind, not really a witnessing thing. |
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CarsonZi
Canada
3189 Posts |
Posted - Aug 01 2015 : 10:02:44 AM
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From my perspective you seem to be longing for forgiveness Jack. And while it may seem on the surface like the forgiveness you long for would come from the person/people you have done wrong to in the past, the deeper truth (in my experience) is that forgiveness can only come from within. What you are *truly* longing for is to forgive yourself.
I'll try to give you a personal example as have gone through something similar in the past...
I lost my virginity at the ripe old age of 4 or 5. My Dad had "the sex talk" with me at that age and it all sounded so incredulous that I felt compelled to verify that he wasn't bullsh*tting me. I started using my (always incredible) powers of persuasion to convince the girls around to try having sex with me. This resulted, I'm quite sure, in a plethora of "damaged" young women for which I am responsible. I have struggled for most of my life with the guilt of these actions. At some points over the years the guilt and self-hatred was so great that it was nearly incapacitating. But it was eventually realized that carrying the weight of the guilt and self-hatred only served to dilute the positive impact that I could have, today... I was basically allowing my past misdoings to *continue* affecting my ability to be an effective human being in the present. I saw that continuing to hold guilt over mistakes I had made in the past was harmful both to me and to those around me and I chose to start working towards forgiving myself and letting go of these past mistakes. For me that did include apologizing to some of the girls I had hurt, but in some cases that wasn't possible/appropriate and I simply had to forgive myself in order to let it go.
I'm not sure if this will be helpful but I wanted to share it anyway so that you perhaps don't feel so alone in the guilt.
Love,
Carson |
Edited by - CarsonZi on Aug 01 2015 10:37:16 AM |
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Jack
United Kingdom
305 Posts |
Posted - Aug 04 2015 : 12:14:52 AM
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Thanks for sharing that, Carson.. I appreciate your courage and honesty... love to you bro.
Thanks everyone, again. Various viewpoints to consider..
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Dealing with past mistake skilfully...
